Echinacea is nature's anti-Viagra

    Well, it’s spring again, and as is the case with every normal person out there, spring makes me think of penises.

    The other day, I was talking to a friend about my concern that I had a sore throat — a conversation that I would think should be penis-free.

    But I was talking to a man, so I should have known it was going to come up. (The topic, not his actual penis! Geez, get your minds out of the gutter, people!)

    So anyway, I’ve got a sore throat. And I mentioned the benefits of echinacea for just such a condition. And this is where it gets interesting.

    My friend informed me that echinacea makes men impotent.

    Of course, I don’t give a rat’s ass. This is because I don’t have a penis, seeing as how — try to follow my logic here — I am not a man.

    So, being the sensitive and caring human being that I am, my response was: “”So what?””

    Then my friend brought up an interesting point: “”Well what’s the point of not feeling sick if Mr. Happy isn’t gonna be fully functional?””

    Seriously — he really said that. I know people who are this weird.

    My friend’s assertion led me to two conclusions: First, men should never, ever use the term “”Mr. Happy.”” And second, guys really have no idea that the world does not revolve around their dicks.

    Now, this can be seen throughout history. Take Galileo, for example. Remember him? He was the guy who proved that the Earth revolved around the sun. And he was also imprisoned and shunned for his little breakthrough.

    Why? Because all the other guys around said, “”What? My penis isn’t the center of the universe? Screw that! Galileo is going down!””

    That is why it took so long for us to accept our current view of the solar system: Because we don’t usually depict the sun as a big phallus.

    Next, take Newton. That apple story you hear in science class is a load of crap. What really happened was: Newton was getting it on with some lady, and she noticed a little problem.

    “”Sir Isaac, your manly member is failing to erect itself,”” she said.

    What’s a guy to do when he’s in a pinch like that? Discover gravity, of course! That way he can say, “”Nay, fair maiden; ’tis just the force of the Earth’s core, which pulls all objects downward. I am still a very virile and desirable man.””

    Problem solved.

    You can even look at the key symbols of the United States for evidence that everything guys do is inspired by how momentous they think their penises are. Case in point: the Washington Monument.

    Right after the War for Independence, when our founding fathers needed a symbol of what this country stood for, they sat around and debated it.

    “”We need it to look like what we’ve been fighting for,”” one founder said.

    “”Right: a symbol for everyone to know what our new country will value above all else,”” another agreed.

    “”Well, we do have that Statue of Liberty thing,”” some poor schmuck said.

    “”Yeah, and it’s throwing people off. I mean, it’s a statue of a chick.””

    “”Good lord, men! There are no monuments to our penises yet!””

    Well, now you can imagine what an uproar the room must have been in.

    “”I don’t know about you all, but that’s what I was fighting for!””

    “”Yeah! I want a building commemorating my penis! That’s what started this country in the first place!””

    So they built the Washington Monument, and they even put a reflecting pool next to it so the metaphorical founding penis would look even bigger. And that, boys and girls, is how Japanese tourists come to appreciate how big American dicks are.

    So basically, I still took echinacea. But every time I did, I thought about penises. Hey, maybe the world does revolve around them, after all!

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