Despite it All, America is Still Beautiful

    Here in San Diego, there is much to be thankful for, as we are among the luckiest of the lucky to be not only smart enough to get into a high-faluting institution of knowledge endowment like UCSD, but also wise enough to choose a place where we can still drive our car to school (or the local tavern) without shoveling heaps and heaps of snow. There are many people in the world who would sacrifice one of their more valuable limbs for just a glimmer of our pleasant SD paradise.

    I spent last Thanksgiving in some cold Parisian pub tucked away in the hulking shadows of the Eiffel Tower, with only a few other Americans with whom to share my plight. As our families back home feasted on succulent turkey with all the flavorful trimmings, warm, moist mashed potatoes and ears of corn glistening with butter, we sat and drank warm beer on uncomfortable bar stools, with a bunch of non-American freaks frolicking about us prattling on in their ridiculous tongues.

    It was about that moment when I realized America is beautiful. Despite its many and varied flaws, America rules, and those wacky foreign people, obsessed with snooty cricket and riot-inducing soccer, can all just bow down and prostrate themselves before our mighty nation. No matter how many chads are impregnated or ballots vomited on, there is nothing that can shake my faith in our grand system.

    At least there wasn’t until I opened the sports section a week or so back and read about how the devil, known above ground as agent Scott Boras, was attempting to destroy our beloved American pastime. He was demanding, on behalf of his client, superstar shortstop Alex Rodriguez, numerous and extravagant luxuries, the likes of which have never been fathomed by mere man, all in exchange for Rodriquez’s baseball-playing services. The list of demands included private jets, office buildings and an island chain in the South Pacific.

    Of course, this was in addition to the $20 million or so in salary that this cretin pulls down each season. All to play a wondrous game, a game that makes me proud to salute the red, white and blue.

    As I fell retching and trembling to the floor, I realized that our nation, which is set apart from all other by this grand game, is losing its grip, with dictator-like players overrunning the game in a quest for land and riches. With mongrels like that dominating our grand old pastime, maybe it’s time to break out the wickets and bowl us a cricket match. Cheers!

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