Fashion Faux Better or Faux Worse

written by: Jocelyn Yang and Tara Nejad, Lifestyle Staff Writers

Time for spring cleaning? Family or friends secretly nominate you for a humiliating episode of “What Not to Wear?”  No worries — your friends Stacy and Clinton are here to help throw away all of your fashion no-nos and replace them with the season’s hottest tips and newest trends.

Formals

  • Your underwear line might show through that dress. Better to just go commando. That’s one less piece of clothing to wash, and for every season from now on, sustainability is IN!
  • Drape your bed sheets over yourself as an elegant gown; only a few people will be sober enough to notice.
  • You left your deodorant at home. Don’t sweat it — there’s a ton of chalk powder in classrooms available for your convenience. Feel free to use the erasers as your applicators.

Interviews

  • You forgot you had an interview today. Easy fix: Tape some LEGOs to the heel of your sliders to resemble the perfect professional two-inch heel.
  • No LEGOs? Also an easy fix: Jenga blocks double beautifully as DIY wedges.
  • Lodge a piece of fresh greenery between your two front teeth before going into the interview. It will really showcase your strong commitment to your vegan diet.
  • Don’t be drab! Wear a tracksuit to the meeting, to prove to your managers that you’re always ready to run circles around your competition.

Everyday Wear

  • Got high quality, new looking denim? Wrong. Slit some holes in the knees so that you get that freshly-fallen-off-the-skateboard look.
  • Tired of the impracticality of your purse? Carry a full-on lunch box for your snack treasures instead, so that your actually important cargo items will feel more at home.
  • If you want to be cute in the cold, don’t forget to add padding to your bra so no one can see how cold your girls really are, and you can stay sneezy, breezy, beautiful.
  • Pick out two outfits for the week. Wear the first one on Monday; wear it again on Tuesday. Save the second one for Wednesday and Thursday. Did you really outfit repeat if you don’t see the same people?
  • It’s raining and you don’t have an umbrella. What do you think textbooks are for? Bind them to the top of your head and you’ve not only dodged a bullet on soaking clothing, but you’ve also managed to make a fashion statement. We’ll call it, “Cloudy With a Chance of Metabolic Biochemistry.”

You’re welcome.