How-To Guru: Be a Good Role Model

Emerging from a long and cold winter of 60-degree days and almost monthly rain, we’ve finally made it to spring, and so have high school seniors exploring their options for upcoming years. As these tourists begin to explore our campus, it’s vital in these busy weeks of college decisions that UCSD students serve as enthusiastic and representative role models of our institution. To navigate campus during this exciting time, the How-to Guru has some useful tips.

These students will remember you — whether you like it or not. Whether running to class, traveling on hoverboard, or navigating the crowds via bike, you’re going to be in plain sight, representing not only the institution but the University of California. You’re worth millions. This is why you need to always dress in classic San Diego attire, namely swimsuits and flip flops. However, the Guru knows that classes can be early and not everyone can muster the extra 15 seconds to make themselves presentable for the throngs of hopeful UCSD applicants. If this is the case, it’s perfectly acceptable to skip showering and to wear just pajamas to class.

However, it can be daunting to always be smiling and waving at UCSD’s tourists. Therefore, our friendly administrator Janet Napolitano has contracted with the La Jolla Playhouse to provide professional actors to greet and socialize with UCSD hopefuls. These actors are trained to highlight UCSD’s ample parking, fantastic dining hall food and our new Division-0 sports team (that’s a whole division higher than Division I). While this may seem misleading, it’s all for the greater good of getting as many applicants as possible and therefore as many application fees as possible. After all, UCSD has taught us that money is really all that matters, and those $70 fees per applicant are a healthy bonus toward reducing our tuition.

Despite constant attempts to show tourists how amazing UCSD is, some find themselves thinking that maybe this school isn’t as great as our actors make it appear. Our computer science department has craftily created the new “Janet Vision,” a state-of-the-art virtual reality system that allows tour groups to experience a utopian college with gleaming skyscrapers and world-class academics. Tour groups are taken into the bowels of the computer science building and quickly outfitted with a headset depicting a truly perfect campus. After this “re-education” with the VR headsets, 100 percent of all tourists apply to our fantastic campus!

Springtime really is a fantastic season for aspiring college students. Make sure to do your part to encourage them to pursue higher education by always highlighting how fantastic our school is. If a high school student asks about a less-than-perfect aspect of our campus, you can always smile and lie. Remember, it’s not your job to tell these students about the real world — they need to figure it out on their own.