The most dreaded time of the quarter has arrived. Yes, finals week is descending upon the students of UCSD once again. It’s important to finish off strong. Start forming a study plan by renewing your Netflix subscription. Remember, if you can’t Netflix it, you can’t fix it. In other words, when you’re totally screwed over for your finals, resume binge watching “Parks and Recreation.” This won’t actually fix your academic dilemmas, but it will provide a temporary oasis of stress relief which is the key to excelling in your classes.
Say it with me: stress relief. An important strategy for getting a slam-dunk grade on all your exams, is learning how to be the master of your emotions. Unleash your inner sociopath to get a good GPA. Stare at your professors as they pass around exam papers with a cold, menacing look in your eyes. Will you pass? Will you fail? Who cares? This grade will not be the sole determining factor in predicting your destiny. The ability to divorce yourself from all sentiments of caring or motivation to study is key.
The next step is to destroy all evidence that you had previously studied for the class. Did the professor send you a powerpoint of all their lectures? Delete it. Do you have stacks of spiral notebooks with carefully handwritten notes? Shred it. Focus on the present moment. If you look back at all the past material in the class, this will only cloud your determined mind with superfluous thoughts and doubts. All of this information is ingrained into your brain. As the How-To Guru, I can tell you that the first answer which you consider penning on an exam is almost always correct. Students flunk out when they doubt the absolute infallibility of their thought processes.
Let’s discuss a hypothetical scenario pertaining to your exams. The TA hands everybody in your lecture a scantron sheet and a test paper filled with abstract questions and multiple choice answers. As you begin to read the questions, your mind goes completely blank. Your state of being is empty, silent and at peace with itself. That is an unmistakable sign that you’ve successfully reached nirvana. Congratulations on fully embodying the spiritual, academic state of self-actualization.
While you contemplate the meaning of life, go ahead and fill out your scantron as the mighty spirit of the How-To Guru guides your hand. As you hand your professor a scantron, they may look slightly alarmed when they notice your answer sheet resembles a beautiful mandala of colorful bubbles. Respond with a warm smile and a meaningful gaze. Then turn around and walk out of the lecture. It doesn’t matter if you fail, because you’ve already won life.
Don’t forget to celebrate the middle of finals week by participating in the campuswide undie run. As you sprint across campus, imagine that each article of clothing you joyously fling aside, represents the academic baggage of each paper and test. Enjoy a relaxing splash through the revelle fountain, as the ice cold water pierces your skin. No amount of hypothermia can overshadow the joy you feel, as you realize you’ve never actually picked up a book this entire quarter.