How-To Guru: Win the Powerball

Now that the rain has dried up and the sun has come back out from under its blanket of clouds, it’s time to emerge and refresh our brains with rational, intelligent thinking. Therefore, this week the Guru will tell you, dear reader, how to win the lottery!

Yes, lottery tickets are the new trend within our sunny campus. The Powerball was recently raised to an eye-popping $1.5 billion which, by my calculations, are almost enough to pay for next year’s tuition.

The trick to winning this large sum is to simply pick lucky numbers like your birthday, your cat’s birthday, your social security number, or any number you find on the street (I personally use the numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 for all my lotto drawings). Of course, there’s no guarantee that your numbers are correct, so you should buy as many lotto tickets as you can in order in increase your chances. Sell everything you have on library walk or offer your services as a professional gambler. Any of these will help you earn money and earn that sweet $1.5 billion paycheck.

Of course, winning the lottery is only half the challenge. The other half is making sure your money is kept safe and secure, and out of the hands of those silly charities who will undoubtedly come to your door asking for money in the name of “homelessness,” “hunger,” or some other silly cause. My advice is to rig your doorbell up to a hidden trapdoor that safely deposits charity organizers back onto the street. Is this legal? Of course not, but money talks — you and your affluenza are above the law now! Besides, there’s no bail you can’t afford.

Speaking of silly laws, did you know that nearly half of your rightfully-earned money will go to Uncle Sam? Thankfully, the Guru has some clever ways to get around paying your taxes that the government steals from you every April. It’s best to claim you lost all the money in a supposedly ‘failing’ business and then take an abrupt vacation. Feel free to hide your money in a foreign country or, better yet, simply immigrate to a more friendly and welcoming country. Heck, buy yourself a private island and start your own superior mini-country. Once your wealth is safe and secure, you’re free to spend it in peace on whatever your heart desires.

They say money can’t buy love, but once you win the lottery you’ll fall asleep lovingly embracing sacks of silky dollar bills. No human being or affectionate golddigger will ever understand you as much as money. The jackpot is the only celestial being wise enough to go that extra mile and break the bank — just for you. Gaze off into the sunset as green dollar signs flash through your eyes and joyfully clutch your plastic credit card. Remember, money is happiness.

And don’t forget that the helpful How-To Guru got you here, and maybe consider sending a check this way for my troubles. After all, time is money, and you’ve just spent 75 seconds reading this. What are you waiting for? Go out and start winning!