You may have heard about the drought affecting large swaths of our state, with entire lakes turned into muddy swamps and citizens of certain cities only seeing running water at three in the morning. Some people think we should all be pitching in to cut back on our water use in order to prevent a large-scale crisis that could leave millions without adequate water.
But screw them. You’re a special little snowflake, and you need your daily 30-minute shower to shine like the bright star that you are. And if some people go thirsty because of it, then too bad for them. Luckily for you, the UCSD Guardian has created this handy, how-to guide to wasting so much water that you singlehandedly drain a small lake.
Wasting water is made easy with a few simple modifications to your daily routine. For example, when you take a shower, make sure to turn on the faucet and then go about your primping. You’ll want to let that water run for at least 10 minutes before you actually step into the shower to make sure it’s a temperature that’s acceptable to your sensitive, delicate skin. While you’re waiting for the water to meet your expectations, you can also waste more by running the sink faucet to brush your teeth, wash your face or just splash some water around on the countertops. This is the perfect time to lazily scrub at the toothpaste gunk in your sink.
Sure, farmers in the Central Valley might not be able grow food this summer, leading to widespread shortages and apocalypse-style riots over pantry staples, but thanks to your morning routine, you’re going to look like a sexy beast today, and the rest of your house is going to look great too.
As your bathroom is leaking more water than a rainforest, take a moment to reflect upon how running water is your right as an American citizen. Be sure to take that for granted. When it stops working for other people, surely it won’t stop flowing for you.
Finally, you’ll want to avoid blame for the water crisis by pointing fingers at various bogeymen around the state. If you’re from the Bay Area, try muttering angrily about those darn polluting, water-wasting farmers, and if you’re a water-wasting farmer, get really frothy at the mouth about Hetch Hetchy and the Delta smelt. Residents of Los Angeles should boast about how the city is one of the few with adequate water supplies for its citizens. Rest assured in the fact that this drought couldn’t possibly last longer than the city has stored water for.
Your goal here is to spew as many drought-related buzzwords as possible without actually doing anything to alleviate the drought. That way, you’ll appear brilliant and simultaneously use all the water your heart desires without suffering any pesky consequences for your actions.
If you follow our guide, you’ll become a water-wasting champion in no time. Be sure to stock up on bottled water for when Mad Max-style gangs patrol the countryside looking for water!