Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Sports will resume publishing normal content next week.
On Thursday, UC San Diego women’s basketball (4738-0, 1389-0 Big West) moved heaven and earth at LionTree Arena, becoming the first Big West team to accomplish the feat.
While the moment was highly anticipated and heavily marketed, only a crowd of 20 fans — including Billy — attended. They were treated to a spectacle as junior center Erin Condron flew into the sky and moved heaven, while senior guard Sabrina Ma and redshirt junior guard Rosa Smith moved earth. Despite not being a basketball game, senior guard Makayla Rose still finished the event with six or seven steals.
The Tritons became the first team in Big West history to move heaven and earth, earning recognition from the NCAA as the greatest thing since sliced bread. Head coach Heidi VanDerveer remained undeterred by the small crowd.
“Jesus started with 12,” VanDerveer said to The UCSD Guardian in a post-heaven-and-earth-moving interview.
The Guardian spoke to one student who didn’t attend and whose request for anonymity we forgot about.
“I heard some rumbling,” third-year student Evan said. “Things started moving really fast, and I thought I caught a glimpse of heaven for a second. I had heard that the women’s basketball team was planning on moving heaven and earth, but I mostly watch men’s basketball, and I wanted to sleep instead, so I didn’t go.”
Evan, who describes himself as a lifelong basketball fan, roots for the Golden State Warriors and regularly attends men’s basketball games at LionTree Arena. His expertise on women’s basketball comes from years of experience commenting that he could play better and that WNBA players don’t deserve a living wage or happiness under every WNBA post on Instagram. When asked whether he would be attending a game in the future, Evan said, “Probably not” and that he remained “unconvinced about women’s basketball.”
“Heaven and earth are cool and all, but the men’s game is so much faster paced, more people come, and the constant losing keeps me humble,” Evan said.
Two days later, LionTree Arena sold out as students eagerly packed the stands to watch UCSD men’s basketball lose to Cal State Fullerton, again.
