Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Opinion will resume publishing normal content next week.
From the perspective of fictional writer Jay Chanley, a white Anglosaxon Christian Zionist from Sugarland, Texas.
To investigate where our school newspaper gets its opinions, I infiltrated The UCSD Guardian’s Opinion section as an undercover reporter. What I have found during my six-year-long investigation is troubling, uncovering mass systemic censorship, a heavy bias toward woke communist liberalism, and the siphoning of student tuition dollars.
The first red flag was when I tried to reverse diversity, equity, and inclusion policies in the section by encouraging the recruitment of straight white men, noticing the lack of whiteversity in the section. When they rejected it, I saw it as a major civil rights violation. So, I contacted the Department of Justice, Fox News, and the Heritage Foundation, all of whom should be responding any day now.
Additionally, one of the radical communist writers disrespected Charlie Kirk’s death by openly saying, “I don’t know if he’s someone I’d celebrate.” How dare they insult the memory of a podcaster, a father of two, and a member of the human species.
Luckily, I am in no way a Cancel Karen, so I planned to overlook my fellow writers’ hate speech as long as I got to express my own.
However, I came upon the ultimate vehicle of censorship: the editors’ room. Whenever I turned in an Opinion article, they would suggest nonsensical feedback like, “You cannot use slurs,” and “Stop getting drunk in the office.” Additionally, they rejected my analysis of goonmaxing as being “too pornographic,” while my political manifesto was quashed because “arming The Guardian would serve no benefit.”
In fact, while writing this investigation, I faced constant censorship from Projects Editor Sonia McSwain, who demanded that the photos used for the above collage come from liberal Wikipedia. Clearly, she has been consumed by the woke mind virus.
My undercover experience with the Opinion section was nothing but constant censorship, where I would suggest moderate, middle-of-the-road opinions, only to be rejected.
I also witnessed how The Guardian launders money. Last year, they implemented PRESS, an acronym for “Publicly Rig Elections, Steal from Students.” They charge a whopping ₹343 (INR) or 0.000045 Bitcoin for every student every quarter. Not only do the editors censor, but they are paid ₱3433 a week to do so. Instead of investing in land in the West Bank like every other school newspaper, The UCSD Guardian siphons money to elitist censors.
This leads to only one conclusion: A secret group of elitists, controlled by Donald Trump, the Illuminati, and Chancellor Pradeep Khosla, write all the opinions published in the school newspaper. Working in tandem with the woke liberal elite, a small group of writers meet every Tuesday to discuss which narratives should be fed to students. Then, a censorship team called “the editors” removes unwanted statements to control public opinion.
