Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. A&E will resume publishing normal content next week.
Hot on the heels of “Love Story: John F. Kennedy Jr. & Carolyn Bessette,” Ryan Murphy and FX have again teamed up on an expansion of the maestro’s hit “American Story” franchise. Entitled “American Exhumation Story,” the news came courtesy of Disney’s biennial D23 expo, hosted at the now-defunct Sunset Boulevard Arby’s.
Murphy took to the stage to outline his impending projects alongside muses Sarah Paulson and Jessica Lange, the latter carrying a framed watercolor portrait of FX founder Rupert Murdoch, and the former — per usual — carrying Ryan Murphy.
Future plans based on “several exciting desecrations” include a “subversive” exploration of D.B. Cooper through a sexually explicit lens starring Paulson, a spin on Helen Keller’s life styled after “American Horror Story” starring Paulson, and a Romeo-and-Juliet-esque take on Mary Todd Lincoln starring — to no one’s surprise — Kim Kardashian. Further designs to incorporate AI technology in the production seem to have stalled with Disney’s recent withdrawal from its contract with OpenAI, though Murphy did note that, “There’s no better tool for grave robbery than generative AI — except maybe a shovel.”
In response to softballs regarding his approach to butchering real-life events, Murphy reiterated that he strives to ensure each project is “about 35% fiction,” and “about 65% also fiction.” When asked about the potential pushback to his typically provocative yet stupefyingly uncontroversial slate, Murphy was quoted saying, “Ah, you’ll all lap it up.”
Of more pressing concern was Cooper’s unconfirmed, though likely, death. Murphy’s response was a simple, “Oh, yeah, he’s dead. Applesauce. Smithereens.” Sources describe this statement as casting a pall over the proceedings, though reports of Mickey weeping remain uncorroborated. Something Murphy elected not to comment on was the disappointment of the deceased’s descendants, leaving that instead to the network, which issued a one-word response in capital letters: “HISTRIONICS!”
Freshly-condemned Disney CEO Josh D’Amaro also issued the following statement: “We are excited to continue platforming Ryan Murphy’s groundbreaking explorations of the lives of historical figures without the constraints of fact or decency. To lift a title from one of Ryan’s newest shows, when it comes to the dead, ‘All’s Fair.’ And that’s Disney magic. Like me. Please like me.”
Pre-pre-production projections at FX have each of these shows shattering viewership records, one after the next. Still in a medically-induced coma from a trebuchet wound inflicted during the peaceful transition of power, former CEO Bob Iger was unavailable for coherent comment.
