Considering we’re both in long-term relationships with being single, you’d probably guess we’d be spending Valentine’s Day stewing in our loneliness, bitterly damning lovey-dovey couples to hell. While that’s not a far-off assumption, we decided to shake things up a bit this year.
After seeing videos on TikTok of people giving Valentine’s cookie boxes to their loved ones, we decided this was the perfect way to reframe our perspective of Valentine’s Day. What better way to celebrate love than to gift a box of homemade Valentine’s-themed cookies to the people that matter most?
Spoiler alert: Our cookies were nowhere near gift-worthy and barely approached being edible. With half of them ending up wrapped in trash bags rather than the cute plastic boxes we had purchased, each batch of cookies came out just a bit more disappointing than the last — almost as disappointing as our love lives. Let our failures be your successes; we hope this article motivates some readers out there to learn from our trial and error, both in the kitchen and in your love life.
- Red swirl sugar cookies: Looks aren’t everything
Our search for the most aesthetic spread of cookies led us to a TikTok video for red swirl sugar cookies. We were entranced by cinematic shots of a hypnotizing cross-section of swirled dough, but after watching the video 15 times, we realized there was no actual recipe attached. By this point, we were so drawn to the cookie swirl patterns that we were left with no choice but to freestyle it. What could possibly go wrong?
We assumed we could give the cookie swirls their signature pink coloring by making a strawberry jam and mixing it into the dough, but all this did was give us a sad little beige blob with pink jam freckles. Needless to say, we gave up quickly and bought red food dye from Target. The thing is, because we added strawberry jam to one dough and not the other, they had drastically different textures, with the pink one being particularly gooey.
Using a surprisingly effective Owala-rolling-pin technique, we managed to roll up the two doughs, cut the cross section, and were faced with a nearly perfect swirl. Our pride in our work did not last long when we took our first bites and the flavor was nothing short of bland. If you want a cookie that will be more aesthetically pleasing than appetizing — or a partner who turns heads but is incapable of a conversation — focus on looks and forget substance! But if you’re looking for your special someone, remember that there’s more to a person than what meets the eye.
- Raspberry dark chocolate chip cookies: No, you can’t ‘fix them’
To give you a hint of just how much we were making stuff up as we went along, our raspberry dark chocolate chip cookies’ original recipe had actually been for raspberry lemon zest sugar cookies.
We swapped the granulated sugar for brown sugar and skipped the lemon zest entirely. Wait, you said the doubled recipe called for 10 tablespoons of crushed frozen raspberries? No, we’re actually putting 20 tablespoons of crushed room temperature raspberries. Trust me, it’ll be great. We even decided to put a spin on our own chocolate chip addition by using chopped up raspberry dark chocolate bars instead because, clearly, we still didn’t have enough raspberry.
We were then stuck with an overly moist amalgamation of flavors that left our apartment heavy with the chemical stench of artificial raspberry. We’re not sure how real raspberries could end up tasting and smelling artificial, but somehow, we accomplished it. Remember, baking is a science. Messing with the ratio can completely throw off the makeup of the cookie.
People are similar to recipes — their ingredients are the core values that shape them. So many relationships fail because people refuse to accept a recipe as is, wanting to pick out the specific ingredients they like to create something entirely new. Listen, you wouldn’t go up to a cookie and ask it to turn into a croissant, so why do we expect that from the people we love? It’s a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes what you see is all that you get, and it’s unreasonable to ask for more. Trying to fill in the gaps just to make what seems perfect work isn’t always the answer in the game of love!
- Vegan almond butter thumbprint heart jam cookies: Maybe you’re just not into them …
Neither of us are vegan, but in an effort to create a more inclusive cookie box, we thought we could try to make a cookie that was. If your loved one has a dietary preference or restriction, there’s an endless number of recipes out there for them. However, if you couldn’t tell by now, recipe selection isn’t our forte.
The original recipe called for peanut butter, but because Sophie’s roommate is terribly allergic, we decided to substitute it with almond butter. This was the first red flag for our recipe, since neither of us like almonds. We hoped the almond flavor would not be too strong, but we were sadly mistaken.
The almond butter turned out to be more oily than we had expected. By the time we finished baking them, the cookies were so soft that they crumbled in our hands like sand. We lost the plot a bit and ended up with somewhat of a Frankenstein cookie. It happens — sometimes you don’t really want to give that person your number, but you do it anyway to be nice. Next thing you know, you’ve been on four dates and are still just as uninterested as when you first met. Ultimately, we realized this cookie was not the one — perhaps we should’ve listened to the initial signs before we sent four batches into the oven. Long story short, don’t waste your time on someone you know deep down you’re not really interested in.
- Valentine’s M&M cookies: Save your energy for the ones that matter
As college students, none of us have any time. After a long day of classes, club work, and Sophie’s stressful last-minute living space agreement meeting, we were only able to finally begin our boxes at 9 p.m. Prime time to start baking four different types of cookies, each doubled in measurements, right?
We finally finished baking at 2:30 a.m. — “finished” being a generous descriptor, considering we still had more than half of our Valentine’s M&M cookie dough left over. However, our spirits were wounded by the disastrous results of our previous batches, and Sophie had a midterm at 9:30 a.m. the following morning.
We were genuinely disappointed by having to cut our losses and call it quits, especially since our Valentine’s M&M cookies were our strongest batch. They were the recipe we adjusted the least, a tried and true classic — although we did add some Valentine’s Day flair by picking out red M&Ms. We were reminded of the reality of dating — you balance the stresses of university with terrible dates and then are sick of it by the time someone who will treat you right comes around. How many times have you heard a friend vent to you about how they’ve been hurt time and time again, and now, they feel like they can’t trust something good? So, dear reader, we leave you with this final piece of advice: Your time is limited, so don’t waste it on people — or cookies — who don’t deserve you!
There are always lessons to be learned in the kitchen, the most important being to give yourself the time that you need. If you want a terrible relationship, approach it the way we did our cookie box — stressing, rushing, and improvising at every turn. Just remember: Diamonds may be made under pressure, but both cookies and relationships are better when they’re built with love and patience. Happy baking and dating!
