DisreGuardian: Anthony Davis Injured Again, Announces Retirement

Donovan Perez Schipper, Sports Editor

Editor’s Note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Sports will resume publishing normal content next week.


Anthony Davis has decided to call it quits, ending a career defined by limitless potential and frequent injuries. Drafted by the Pelicans as the first overall pick in 2012, he came to the NBA as one of the most decorated single-season college players of all time. Leading Kentucky to a championship wouldn’t be where his story ended, though; Davis quickly took the league by storm with his scintillating offensive acumen to go along with his famed defensive prowess.


Davis was great for the Pelicans, but getting wins was difficult with the team’s lack of talent. The team brought Demarcus Cousins to be his running mate in the front court, but this pairing quickly came to an end after an injury led to Cousins’ exit from the team, with only a first-round playoff exit added to his resume. Along with Davis’ budding reputation of being injury prone, this bad luck was too much to bear for the promising Pelicans core. Davis would eventually demand a trade from the team, leading to one of the most high-profile swaps in NBA history. 


Davis’ request was answered when the Pelicans traded Davis for some young prospects on the Lakers as well as future draft picks. Davis’ tenure on the Lakers began with the success that always seemed destined for a player of his stature. Combining forces with legendary LeBron James resulted in a championship in the first year of their duo, and, with such talent on the team, the future looked bright.


As fate would have it, Davis’ time with the Lakers did not work out as well as advertised. “LeMickey” and “ADisney,” as they were affectionately dubbed after their Mickey Mouse championship, could not replicate their success. Anthony “street clothes” Davis only suited up 36 times the following season, and the Lakers were bounced in the first round of the playoffs.


The following year came with new hope, as the Lakers traded for former MVP Russell Westbrook. Well,  at least they thought they did. The end result was that, when combined with “LeGm” and “Anthony Day-to-Davis,” the former MVP became “Russell Westbrick” instead. The Lakers toiled to a losing record, and the team seemed as hopeless as it was in the Marcelo Huertas and Chris Kaman era. Any Lakers fan shudders at the image of Chris Kaman lying across the entire Laker bench, and this trio of maligned stars was just as frustrating. 


Coming into this season, Anthony Davis was a popular pick to have a bounce-back season after multiple consecutive down years, with the injury bug always biting him at the least opportune times. Just as the three stars seemed to find a rhythm over the last season, one of them would go down. It came to a point where most Laker fans became experts in human biology. After seeing Anthony “Glass” Davis’ injuries over a three-month span  — including a right calf contusion, heel contusion, abductor strain, toe sprain, back, ankle, and quad injuries, and finally, another calf injury — Laker fans everywhere became experts. Anthony Davis would go down, and accountants and cog-sci majors alike would exclaim, “Oh no, that looks bilateral index finger contusion,” like they were on the medical staff themselves. 


This is the life of the modern Lakers fan. Hope is constantly being ripped away despite such tantalizing talent. The Lakers have recently found success behind the contributions of new additions like D’Angelo “Snitch” Russell and Jarred Vanderbilt, also known as the Vandalorian. Fans couldn’t help feeling like this success could be sustainable for once, but the injury history of the stars made fans nervous. Anthony Davis’ retirement announcement proved that the nerves were warranted. In true Davis fashion, his latest injury was what put him over the edge. Lakers fans were cautiously optimistic when Anthony Davis claimed he would play the next game after taking one of his patented hard falls in the win over the Wolves, even though that type of wince from Davis usually meant multiple weeks on the pine. It was announced today, however, that Anthony Davis’ unibrow contusion had resulted in a ruptured glute that would sideline him for the rest of the season. 


After consulting with doctors on Twitter, Anthony Davis came to a decision that it would be better to just retire to relieve Lakers fans of the toxic hope they held onto so dearly. While a solemn day for NBA fans, “Mr. Glass” did deliver the Lakers a Mickey Mouse ring, and that can never be taken from us. 


Photo Courtesy of Dennis Adair of Flickr