Costco Club 1 – 0 Rotisserie Chicken

Costco Club 1 – 0 Rotisserie Chicken

It was just two weeks ago when the Triton community fought against the elements to partake in Triton TV’s film festival, which I marked as the event that warranted “the removal of the albatross of “UC Socially Dead.” Now, the Triton community found itself gathered together, fighting against the elements once again, to watch a fellow comrade take on one of the juiciest, moistest, most succulent, and most affordable opponents in recent history: the Costco rotisserie chicken. 

Dear reader, your eyes do not deceive you. Do not let the unassuming nature of a $4.99 rotisserie chicken lead you to put your guard down. It is truly a worthy opponent with its tender breasts, curvy thighs, and supple wings. While chicken separated into pieces seems like a walk in the park to eat, when combined, even the heartiest of men will crumble. Thus, only one man was fit for the challenge — the UC San Diego Costco Club Co-founder and President: Johnny Gong. 

Like all great things, it began with an idea. 

“So two weeks ago we had a staff meeting,” began Ryan, a member of the club, “and John was like, ‘what if I ate a rotisserie chicken in front of Geisel and we printed a ton of fliers and put them all over campus,’ and in my mind, I was like, ‘That’s genius.’”

And like all great journeys, Gong began with a step from inside Geisel to the outside world — it was like witnessing Michael Jordan himself running out of the stadium tunnel, sans smoke and fire. However, smoke and flames wouldn’t be necessary because the Triton community brought fire and passion to the grudge match of the century, cheering Gong as he walked to the center of the crowd. He stepped onto his ladder and began with a speech to the audience; it was truly the “Gettysburg Address” of our time.

Once the speech was over, Gong made like Mike Tyson and sank his teeth into his opponent, breaking skin and meat, finishing his first bite with a confident swallow, a true sign that Johnny was not a quitter. And quit he did not, Gong dismantled the chicken bit by bit and with much fanfare to boot. On top of cheering and playful banter with Gong — asking questions about the rotisserie chicken and his opinion on Sam’s Club — people even asked for autographs with the man himself to which he much happily obliged. 

Eventually, Gong was able to vanquish his foe, proving that his training was a key factor in this match, and later admitting that he wasn’t alone in this fight.

“I did a 36-hour water fast and I drank a lot of water to expand my stomach,” said Gong as he was surrounded by the crowd after his victory, “I was fueled by the spirit of the school.”

Although the rotisserie chicken is indeed a worthy opponent, it’s not Costco’s only strong fighter in its lineup of food. When asked what the future of his Costco conquest entails, he said: “I’m not sure, but I’m sure the Costco Club will think of many great ideas to come.” 

Then, after a slight pause, he concluded, “This is just the beginning.”



Photos by Helix Creative Solutions for The UCSD Guardian

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About the Contributor
Hector Arrieta
Hector Arrieta, Arts & Entertainment Editor
I'm the goblin of the office (I sleep on the couches)
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    mFeb 28, 2024 at 9:31 pm

    my bubs

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