How to Catch Santa

Santa Claus: the man, the myth, the legend himself. We’ve all heard of him and his insane feat of traveling across the globe in the span of just a few hours, making him 3,000 times the speed of sound! What amazes me the most is how someone so popular has yet to be seen by the masses. Luckily for you, dear reader, I am not a part of the masses, and I have a plan on how to see Santa. That’s right, today I’m here to teach you how to capture the infamous Santa Claus.

Now, everyone knows that Santa enters homes from the chimney, which is exactly why we set up traps in the vents. If Santa was easy enough to catch by just setting up nets in your chimney, he would have been caught many eons ago by our caveman ancestors. Santa thinks twenty-two steps ahead because he knows normal people’s strategies. The whole “chimney entrance” is a rumor he started spreading to throw people off his trail and hide his secrets. But the vents are the last place anyone expects Santa to appear, so that’s where he’ll be, and that’s where we’ll strike.

Coating nets with lavender oil is the next step. Lavender oil contains linalool, a chemical that, when inhaled, is rapidly absorbed into the bloodstream and induces sleepiness. Santa’s vision will be obscured by darkness, and then BAM! He’s ensnared in a net and lulled to sleep. Your first instinct may be to question the effectiveness of lavender oil — a substance with a distinct smell. Surely, Santa will recognize the scent, and surely, his eyes have adjusted to the darkness through centuries on the job. And to that, I say, you are 100% right.

The beauty of this trap is its deceptiveness. The trap is meant to lower Santa’s guard and make him think he has foiled your plans. However, it’s just good enough to convince Santa that it’s not a dummy trap. It’s the perfect bait. Santa will surely dispose of the trap and prioritize one stop above all else: the plate of cookies. Now, the real plan begins. You have included a secret ingredient in the cookies that is known to contain high amounts of melatonin: walnuts. With this chemical, Santa will be out cold, and you will have your curiosity satisfied. 

Now you may be wondering, “Viggo, have you ever seen Santa Claus using this plan?” Of course, I have! He looked just like how I thought he would. I remember hearing a distinct thud and dashing out of my bed. The fabric of his suit was unlike anything I had ever seen before, and the white ball on his cap looked as fluffy as a bunny’s tail. It’s a little weird because my parents said they were awake and didn’t hear a sound, but I swear I saw him!

Image courtesy of krakenimages on Unsplash.

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