Release the Kraken

Let’s not play coy. We all know that feeling you get in your belly that tells you it’s time to unload some cargo, drop the kids off at the pool, or make a fudge pop. Whatever you call it, it’s a fundamental part of each of our daily routines, and while it is a natural process, mounting the big white can is an activity which can feel pretty shameful. Thus, I think I speak for the majority of us when I say that the ideal place for dropping that daily dookie is in the privacy of one’s own home. Unfortunately, fate often has other plans for us, and nature does not discriminate when, nor where, it decides to call. 

As full time students, many of us find ourselves on campus more often than at home. Rising at 9 a.m. with classes until 7 p.m., there’s a large chunk of time when the dreaded school poop is frankly inevitable. The fudge factory brews throughout our slumber and by 11 a.m. section, it’s ready to push out some product. When that signal hits, it’s a race to decide what bathroom will create the best ambience needed to wrap the perfect butt burrito. 

I consider myself a seasoned vet when it comes to pooping at school — a bathroom connoisseur, if you will. Maybe you question my credibility when I say this, but rest assured I do not throw those terms around lightly. My lactose intolerance in conjunction with my affinity for dairy means I tend to spend more time on the toilet than the average joe. Additionally, I’m not taking a trip to the porcelain bank for a quick deposit — I’m there to make a transaction. When I enter a bathroom, I’m not walking in there as a potty goer, I’m walking in there as a certified critic. I’m looking to be wooed. 

I’ve realized not everyone is a bathroom enthusiast like me, but I know that at some point or another, most of us will have to log an entry on campus. So I’ve decided to finally put my knowledge to good use and provide some poor souls with a bit of UC San Diego bathroom insight. So for those of you who are deciding where to drop your next dookie during your break between classes, take a look at some of the toilets I’ve used throughout my time as a Triton. 

Eventually I hope to give you a more comprehensive list, but there’s a lot of toilets to get through, and frankly there’s not enough poops in the day. Additionally, my knowledge will be limited to women’s bathrooms, but hopefully there’s some shared applicability that can help inform anyone’s decision on where their next poo shall occur. 

So here’s my ranking and reviews on 10 of the bathrooms that I’ve used here on campus, ranked worst to best. Remember, this list is still subject to change, so if you have any toilets that you feel need to be talked about, make sure to drop me a tip so that I can be sure to provide you with the most accurate and up to date reporting on all your bathroom needs. 

10. 6th Floor of Geisel Library

Coming in at number 10 is hands down going to be the sixth floor bathrooms located in Geisel Library. I’d heard rumors about the inadequacy of the library toilets, and while I didn’t believe them at first, the sixth floor toilets really proved me wrong. While its recent renovations were evident, it’s a small and awkward space with room for only two tiny stalls and a couple of sinks whose placement feels like an accident. Beyond that, the air inside feels warm and moist, conditions that are far from ideal when trying to pinch a loaf. The toilet seats were dirty, with remnants of another’s deposit smeared across the seat. I’ll admit this is probably not the bathroom’s constant state, but this initial impression will definitely deter me from revisiting this toilet anytime soon. 

9. Pines Bathroom

I hate to do this, but that bathroom by M.O.M.’s Cafe in Pines was not dressed to impress. As one of the older bathrooms I’ve encountered, it’s automatically going to feel a bit more dingy than some other establishments. But on top of the aesthetic shortcomings, the heat in there is really unbearable, the flush is not powerful, and the foot traffic in and out is far greater than that bathroom is realistically equipped to handle. 

8. Taco Villa Toilet 

While I’ll admit that the Taco Villa toilet is in a prime location, located by the Old Student Center and on my daily route from the bus stop to Thurgood Marshall College, it is far from my favorite bathroom. It’s relatively large and not too old or dingy, but once again the temperature is all wrong if you’re trying to build a dookie castle. During a particularly stressful trip to the bathroom, I felt the need to rip off my sweatshirt and throw it on my bag which hung on the door. Unfortunately, I lack the coordination required and my sweater fell to the filthy tile floor. Since then, I’ve been convinced that the Taco Villa Toilet may be cursed. 

7. Seventh Mail Room 

I am a proud Seventh College student and was fortunate enough to live my first two years in the Seventh College Neighborhood. It’s an area I am familiar with and if it weren’t so far from central campus I would have its bathroom ranked much higher on this list. Since moving off campus, I’ve realized there is little reason I visit my old stomping grounds, but I nonetheless have to give a little shout out to my tried and true on-campus toilet. Located on the first floor in the Seventh College Mail Room, the bathroom is quiet, clean, and feels very private. Take it from me, it’s a go-to if you ever find yourself in the neighborhood. 

6. Center Hall 

Look, any bathroom that makes me trek up stairs to use it is automatically docked some points, but Center Hall is a prime location, one that is realistically the only option if you gotta go while seated in this lecture hall. I have a bit of a biased perspective on it as I’ve only dared to try it on a weekend. I’ll say it wasn’t too shabby, but during the week it would be far from preferred. I’ve noticed the door is often left propped open during the week, an absolute outrage in my opinion. Not to mention how busy it gets, meaning there really is no privacy in Center Hall. 

5. Audrey’s Bathroom in Geisel Library

Audrey’s Cafe in Geisel makes one mean chai tea latte, but when it comes to busting a grumpy, they are absolute slackers. The toilet by Audrey’s is consistently swarmed with people, something I guess you could expect given how constantly busy that area is. It’ll do the trick, but never would I consider it my first choice. There’s too many people and a part of me fears that everyone will know who did it if a stink bomb gets dropped. 

4. Cafe V’s Porcelain Palace 

Just like for the Seventh mailroom, I would really like to leave a higher ranking on this bathroom, but its distance from the main campus makes it less than ideal. Located outside Cafe Ventanas in Eleanor Roosevelt College, this bathroom is the closest I’ve seen to absolute perfection. It’s clean and fresh inside, always feeling like it hasn’t been used but was scrubbed down recently anyways. Any hesitation you may feel about pooping in public completely disappears when you enter, what I’d consider, a pooper’s paradise. Some may feel that the lighting is a bit darker than one may prefer, but it can be a great way to get into the zone. Not to mention the absolute solitude that you can achieve when in this fortress of solitude. 

3. The Seuss Room of Geisel Library

Since I started at UCSD, the Seuss Room has been coming in clutch every time I’m studying and I feel a torpedo launch is impending. It’s a room that I think most people are not aware of, thus the bathroom is typically uninhabited. Although, since I typically do my studying in the Seuss Room, I’ve noticed an increase in foot traffic towards that bathroom. It’s losing some of its peacefulness, but I maintain it is a solid spot for a toilet run. Recently though, the area has been closed off for voting, a fact which has been a real inconvenience for me and the root of some irritation. Nonetheless, as long as it opens back up, try to make a trip over there next time you feel a trip to the bathroom is due. 

2. Peterson Hall 

I know, I know, ranking this bathroom so high is quite a controversial decision. It hasn’t gained much praise by the general public and nothing about it seems that great. But I’ve gotta tell you, this is one of those bathrooms where I am willing to overlook its shortcomings. I don’t appreciate that the door is often left open, that it’s a bit more run-down, or how small and intimate it is, but what makes Peterson Hall such a great bathroom is the consistently low temperature they maintain in there. It’s nice and chilly, making me feel more keen on bundling up then stripping down. When I need to take care of business, a nice cold temperature is something I value. It prevents the smell from marinating and preserves a freshness that just can’t be beat. 

1. Sixth Dining Hall 

Let me be frank, I’m a sucker for anything new and shiny, so the Sixth College dining hall was obviously something that had me impressed. It’s enormous, with more stalls than you can count. It’s new, clean, quiet, and feels like a solid place for chopping logs, but what makes this bathroom of note is the absolute win for the stall’s design choice. While phrasing it as a royal squat on the porcelain throne makes it feel regal and classy, the reality is that taking a poop is a pretty vulnerable position. Thus we’ve all experienced, or can imagine the experience, of making eye contact with someone through the absurdly large cracks that exist in most stalls. But Sixth knew better and came in for the win, implementing doors with no gaps or cracks. As long as it isn’t prime rush hour at the dining hall, Sixth is the place to poop. 

I promised a list of 10, but I felt the need to add a couple honorable mentions in case the bathrooms I’ve listed don’t seem like your cup of tea. So below you’ll find a couple more spots that might come in handy to know about. 

1. CTL Building 

Similarly to the Sixth Dining Hall, the Catalyst Lecture Hall by Plant Power has a bathroom worth recognizing. It’s new, clean, relatively large, and the stalls are gapless. Let me also not forget to emphasize that this bathroom has stall doors that are floor length, meaning complete anonymity when doing your business. Only thing is that the flush is automatic and weird, not the most user-friendly. So I recommend this bathroom with the condition of proceeding with caution. If you don’t want to do a drop and run, make sure to familiarize yourself with the toilet’s properties before setting up camp. 

2. Communications Building 

I’ve only recently begun classes in the Communications and Media Lab building, located near Solis Hall. During this past quarter, I’ve come to spend a fair amount of time there and thus have become well acquainted with their bathrooms. They have bathrooms located on both floors and while I’ve only had positive experiences, the overall components of the bathroom are less than ideal. The tiles are all an unsightly yellow, there are only two stalls in each bathroom, and the type of sinks don’t match. There is also a really intense light that reflects off the yellow walls, a characteristic that has me a bit thrown. Yet despite it being a deeply unattractive and unsightly locale for a poop destination, something about it has earned my deepest affection. 

I hope you enjoyed my list, and hope my candidness did not leave you too disgusted. Don’t let the stigma surrounding potty talk deter you from heeding my advice. Take this campus by storm and go liberate some brown trouts, my fellow Tritons!

Photo Via Syed Hussaini on Unsplash

2 thoughts on “Release the Kraken

  1. Jacob’s Engineering building also has some nice ones. Also, you’d be surprised how empty Center Hall is during class times. The Center Hall stalls are actually surprisingly clean… at least on the men’s side, maybe because nobody takes a dump there because it usually gets so much traffic during passing periods that no one thinks of taking a dump. Or perhaps I just got lucky on the one emergency landing I had to take.

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