Editor’s Note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, which are a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue.
Renowned evangelical preacher “Sister Cindy” of TikTok visited UC San Diego today to protest against the sexual appearance of student residence halls, the Geisel Library, and other structures on campus. Her appearance was one of many designed to stop the covert spreading of erotic sin in California college campuses through inconspicuous means. The presentation was delivered to a vast crowd of five students in front of Tapestry Hall in the new Sixth College.
Sister Cindy began by standing tall on her soapbox to stridently recall how much more moral things were for her during college.
“When I was a bad girl at the University of Florida, the buildings never had this much phallic appeal,” Sister Cindy said. “The girth and magnitude of these structures are unacceptable!”
The preacher shouted that buildings constructed during the twenty-first century are far too revealing and girthy, noting that corporate real estate in the San Diego region has been “erected to inappropriate heights unknown to good, religious Americans.” She also found that the Geisel Library was too “sexy” due to its circumference and “rotundness,” with her initially believing that it was a fraternity house when she was exploring the UCSD campus.
Sister Cindy then revealed a list of demands that needed to be met to save UCSD from “eternal damnation.”
“In the first order of things, researchers at that Jacobs Medical Center MUST conduct several surveys on the promiscuous population to assess the amount of spiritual corruption that has corroded our youth,” Sister Cindy started. “Secondly, every campus Dean of Student Affairs MUST initiate the construction of Chastity Centers at every college… Especially Seventh, considering its fully erect towers. Lastly, the administration MUST hire at least seven ‘hot, holy preachers’ to dissuade students from sinful and lustful inclinations.”
The UCSD Guardian reached out to the speech attendees to further assess general sentiment on the sexualization of buildings on campus. One individual dressed as the UCSD Mascot King Triton agreed with Sister Cindy’s comments on Geisel Library.
“I believe that it is completely accurate to say that Geisel appeals to the prurient interest,” King Triton said. “In fact, I’ve heard more than my fair share of students saying that the library is ‘thicker than a bowl of oatmeal,’ as the youths often say.”
Shortly after the Sister arrived, a counterprotest started congregating in front of the new Sixth Market amid student outcry for further sexualization of campus architecture.
Earl Warren College sophomore and self-proclaimed “alpha male” Ben DiMova led the counterprotest and expressed the group’s desires.
“Me and my homies Phil McCracken and Wayne Kerr would love to make our school more sexual,” Dimova said. “Taking away UCSD’s badonkadonk would totally kill the vibe we’ve got going on campus. That and Geisel would look amazing in sweatpants, on God. Remember fellow students, ‘64 Degrees’ isn’t hot enough … we’re looking to make it ‘64 + 5’ ;))).”
In a shocking turn of events, it was discovered that representatives of the university itself welcomed the Sister with open arms and vowed to take her grievances into consideration. The administration said that they hoped that she would return during the Fall Quarter of 2028 to offer valuable insight on the construction of the eleventh college.
“We have a grand vision for the new North Torrey Pines ‘Worship And Prayer’ District,” said Claire McClaire, Assistant Director of UCSD’s newly established Department for Clean Souls. “Our university ought to have a safe haven from post-pubescent hormones, general feelings of arousal, and other despicable adolescent features… Sister Cindy really aligned with our values.”
As the sunset approached and the attendants became restless, Sister Cindy picked up her soapbox and made her way off of Sixth College’s campus. Before she set foot in the parking lot, she dramatically looked over her shoulder and delivered one last message.
“Progress starts with slut-shaming buildings and continues with you all,” Sister Cindy said to a passerby. “Students need to admit to their sins, believe in the Lord Jesus, and become born again; only then will they become hoes no mo’!”
The UCSD Guardian will provide further updates on Sister Cindy as they come.
Photo courtesy of The Netline.