How-To Guru: Defeat the Aliens

While looking at the starry sky a fortnight ago, some of us were treated to an extra special streak of lights. The official story shepherded us into believing this event was the work of a routine missile test scheduled by the so-called Navy. Go ahead and stick with the herd of sheep, if that makes life easier. Or, you could be a thinker, like the How-To Guru, who is able to comprehend alien activity at its most obvious. Enjoy this handy-dandy guide on how to think like a true intellectual and spot all signs of UFOs.

Step 1: Don’t trust the government. Even seemingly regular things, like jet planes, often release toxic bursts of radiation to devour our brains with alien mind control. Always make sure to wear your tin foil hat to keep the radiation from controlling your thoughts. Although any kind of metal will work, we do recommend tin foil for its cheap and easy construction. Plus, it has a stylish, classy look that will make you the envy of everyone.

Got your new, shiny hat nice and snug? Good, then it’s time for Step 2. Start recognizing all the aliens among us in our everyday lives. UFOs, much like the noble cow, tend to hang around crop fields. Head out to your local farm and plop yourself down in the middle of the field and wait. If, for some odd reason, you don’t see one on your first day, you might have to come back the next day or perhaps each following day for a month.

Step 3: Go ahead and journey back to the city where you can resume your hunt for extraterrestrial life forms. Pay attention to everyday occurrences and question everything. It’s well known that aliens are big baseball fans who love to share and collect memorabilia, as some lucky residents recently found out when 600 Padres bobbleheads were mysteriously abandoned at their doorstep, as reported by NBC 7. While these poor people sheepishly took the bait and distributed these bobbleheads (a.k.a. alien spy-cams) out to their neighbors as party favors, you should know better than that.

Obey these final steps to stop the aliens and, therefore, rescue humanity. Spend time routinely monitoring your neighbors’ activities with binoculars or a telescope to figure out if they’ve been possessed. Last but not least, take a bat and destroy all the bobbleheads you can — they are pure evil. After a few sleepless nights, the city will be safe, thanks to your relentless mission to defeat the aliens. Just be mindful to keep a low profile (perhaps wearing a mustache disguise in public). Should one of the UFOs turn your way, it might leave a dangerous little gift by your doorstep.

If all this sounds like a little too much work for you, that’s perfectly all right. We get it. Put this guide down and go back to floating along like a mindless sheep for the rest of your pathetic life. Although living like that would be inconceivable for thinkers such as us, not everyone can achieve heroic perfection and brilliance.

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