This Hallow’s Eve, Beat Spandex Mediocrity

    October is edging closer to its annual debaucherous end: our trusted Hallow’s Eve, chock full of Popov-spiked punch ripe teenage flesh and some good old fashioned dress-up.

    For we the sophisticated students, it’s tradition to wriggle into an improvised (read: shoddy) costume four shots into the pregame sesh.

    But this year, before you’ve surrendered to yet another night of closet vomit — which actually isn’t the worst type of vomit you’ll ultimately be dealing with — consider taking dress-up to another level. Believe it or not, a well-planned ensemble might take your holiday to new heights.

    For those of the XX-gene persuasion, a good costume can score you free booze and an ego boost. Still — refrain from pairing black booty shorts with a striped yellow tank and declaring yourself “sexy bee.” There is usually an entire hive of mediocrity from which sexy bees buzz, no matter which bash you attend .

    The art of a sexy Halloween costume is in matching a lopsided cloth-to-skin ratio with some wit. On principle, Winnie the Pooh without pants is infinitely sexier than a girl in her bra and panties claiming to be a Victoria’s Secret model. Never underestimate the brainstorming power of a Google image search.

    Of course, when you do stumble upon your ingenious costume idea, don’t be afraid to pin up that skirt hem just a couple inches higher. After all, under a cozy booze blanket in a cramped house party, you’ll never notice that 56-degree breeze inching up your thigh. And — once again — a little skin never hurt in the free-drink department.

    Some technical details: Avoid leotard-like garments that require reaching near nakedness to expose your peeing parts — that is, if you plan on hooking up or going to the bathroom sometime during the night. Chances are there will be neither privacy nor toilet available — just a spiky bush in the shadows, a couple feet away from a sexy bee vomiting her wings off.

    A final cautionary slice: Every item of clothing you wear to a Halloween party — whether it’s a bow tie or nipple tassel — is not guaranteed to follow you home (unharmed, or at all). So don’t borrow Grandma’s vintage ’50s dress unless she approves of the splattered jungle juice look.

    For guys looking to get festive, Halloween isn’t just a time for scoping out your lady friends in spandex (which should only be done behind a pair of dark-tinted sunglasses, by the way). Halloween is your chance to get inspired, and make some memories to forget by morning.

    If those five Keystones have bred a sense of laziness, but you still want to say you tried, remember: You can duct tape the shit out of anything (condom wrappers, marshmallows, the Keystone box), stick it on yourself and call it a costume. Think of yourself as Marshall Stewart and Home Depot Man, teaming up to tackle Halloween.

    For your own personal take on inevitable objectification of those pantless female partygoers, it’s important to remember a few key points.

    First, Halloween is a night to be someone else, so don’t hesitate to skirt personal boundaries. If you’re shy around the ladies, throw on a silky bathrobe and a pair of slippers and stick a pipe in your mouth. Blond bunnies will flock to you like nymphomaniac to Amsterdam. You’ll be too drunk to notice — or care — if it’s a wig or not.

    Second, do like a peacock. You’re going to be at a party where everybody is pretending to be someone else, so take control of the situation and use your costume as pick-up-line leverage — even if it’s as modest as Indian chief approaching sexy bee with a “How. How did you get all that in them tights?”

    A little wit will hook that sultry nurse in line for beer pong or the black cat waiting to unload in the litter box — maybe even the heffer by the punch bowl in a Hungarian rugby jersey.

    Though Halloween is best played as a carefree shitshow, some pre-planned functionality can still make your evening. Going commando as a Scotsman is great if you’re hoping for a covert, under-the-table handy, but not so much if you’re called upon for a keg stand. Wrapping your body in duct tape and going as the Silver Surfer will surely catch the attention of any girl with an affinity for shiny things, but could also turn foreplay into an unwanted Brazilian wax.

    Competitive stakes are high. Why not shoot for parity and go in drag? Playing hula girl will guarantee some easy flirtation on the bump and grind, and even more once you’ve moved to a dimly lit bedroom. Why wouldn’t you want to unhook a broad’s bra while she removes your coconuts? Just be sure to avoid any hair-in-zipper mishaps — that’s one potential setback no amount of alcohol can remedy.

    Special how-to requests? Contact the How-to Guru at [email protected].

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