Heart Attacks Be Damned – Give Me My Caffeine Drip

    Molecular scientist Robert Bohannon has engineered a way to add caffeine to baked goods – because of course, that’s just what we need. Imagine, “”buzz bagels,”” as he calls them, available at every dining commons. Do you find that soda and coffee just don’t do it for you anymore and Red Bull tastes like acid – or worse, OceanView Terrace is all out because it’s finals? Just grab a caffeine cookie. Chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, butterscotch. What could be better?

    Just the other night I was working late with my good friends Matt and Charles. It was around 3 a.m. and none of us were in a very good mood. On the verge of collapse, I nursed a Red Bull and Matt sucked down another AMP energy drink.

    “”What is that, like your sixth?”” Charles asked Matt.

    “”Only my fourth,”” Matt said.

    “”Oh, I see,”” Charles said sedately, sipping his coffee.

    But think how lively we all would have been, had there been “”buzz donuts”” on hand. I, for one, am psyched about this new development.

    I guess the only downside is that it only takes 300 milligrams of caffeine to cause some serious heart problems. Only 300 milligrams? That’s like a coffee, a “”buzz bagel”” and an energy drink. Or two sodas and two “”buzz donuts.”” Or three energy drinks and some chocolate.

    With all these delicious new ways to caffeinate ourselves, 300 milligrams seems like a pretty low threshold. Especially with a workload that only allows for five hours of sleep a night.

    I mean, after classes and jobs and hobbies and homework and “”Grey’s Anatomy”” and roommate bonding time, there is hardly any time left for something silly like sleep. Which is exactly why we need the slow caffeine drip that these baked goods can provide.

    But seriously, the need for caffeinated pastries says a lot about a society. Bohannon certainly isn’t the first to add a mind-altering substance to a baked good. I don’t see middle America embracing those other brownies (but I guess they make you less productive).

    Still, that heart attack thing is kind of scary. If only life wasn’t so fast-paced that we needed to be constantly caffeinated. Maybe the problem isn’t that caffeine is dangerous in large portions, but that we need so much caffeine in the first place.

    All Bohannon is trying to do is give people more options to satiate their daily caffeine craving – in a way that’s good for him. But isn’t it strange that we have so many responsibilities that we need to drug ourselves just to function? That can’t be healthy.

    I mean if we’re really dependent on caffeine to the point that we consume so much it that it might cause a heart attack, why not switch to cocaine?

    Rather than ingesting extreme amounts of caffeine, why don’t we all just take a nap? Sure, we wouldn’t be as efficient as a society completely strung out, but a soft pillow beneath your head feels so much nicer than that achy my-brain-fell-asleep-two-hours-ago-but-the-caffeine-is-keeping-my-body-awake sensation.

    Maybe, when our bodies say, “”Hey man, it’s 3 a.m.; I’m tired,”” our first instinct should be to sleep, rather than chug another 100 milligrams of caffeine.

    But I guess if we all just went to sleep when we were tired, nothing would get done. If all you science majors just went to sleep instead of working on those reaction problems – or whatever it is you do – you would fail your classes, and worse, never get into med school.

    If Matt and Charles just went to sleep, there would be no Guardian. And what a bummer that would be.

    Yes, more sleep would be ideal, but, as of now, life is pretty fast-paced, so until everyone takes up the more-nap practice, it looks like caffeine is the way to go.

    So pass the “”buzz donuts,”” I have a lot to get done tonight.

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