As someone with few marketable skills and the work ethic of a senile gorilla, this time of year (the job huntin’ season) is horribly depressing. It’s made me realize that 1) finding a job I love, as everyone advises I do, is damn near impossible, unless “champion sleeper,” “indomitable beer drinker” or “foxy bitch” morph into careers; and 2) writing resumes and cover letters are wonderful exercises in creativity.

Resumes are about lying by omission. No one’s perfect, but resumes are designed to make us look so; therefore, they end up about as sincere as Donald Rumsfeld. Does a human resources drone for a marketing company want to hear about your stint at Taco Bell? No, and all the better, because you got fired after dipping your face into the salsa on a dare. See? You just excised that from your resume, which makes you a liar, you face-dipper.

Of course, when you actually do lie on your resume, you’re in deep yogurt (or salsa).

A few years ago, UCSD had a megalomaniac poetry professor named Quincy Troupe, who fell from grace when it was discovered he had not actually earned a bachelor’s degree, as his resume claimed. It seems odd that the wizards at UCSD had never checked with his alma mater when they hired him. But to be fair, his resume was written in dazzlingly perfect iambic pentameter, and we all know that poetic flair automatically increases anyone’s credibility.

Besides the lying by omission and the occasional “I’m a prick so I’m really lying” lies, there is the translation of normal words into resume-speak. This is difficult for many people, so just remember: The key here is to make yourself look like a productive member of society (with a stellar academic record and dozens of wholesome hobbies to boot) who won’t burn down the building before you even finish your first day at work. In other words, we have a sizable challenge ahead of us.

So let’s get started. Are you a self-centered prick with lots of stupid schemes? No problem! Just say on your resume (or at your interview) that you’re a brave leader with lots of ideas and the determination to implement them. Voila — they’ll be tripping over themselves to give you a job, your own office, your own secretary and an extra-hefty red stapler you can fling at the wall whenever someone crosses you.

Or, try this scenario. You spent college blowing your parents’ money, hitting on your suitemate and cheating on exams.

What you say on your resume? Easy! You’re friendly, outgoing, excellent at securing sponsors and good at finding the most efficient way to achieve your goals.

Here’s a harder one: Let’s say you’re a borderline moron with no direction; in other words, a communication major. How do you spin that? Just say you’re excellent at taking directions and working on a team and enjoy your new career at Starbucks or in corporate public relations.

Getting the hang of this? Of course you are, tiger. Here’s some more. You may want to cut out this list and use it for future reference.

• Reality: You’re as lazy as a can of ham and respond to directions with a hearty “screw you” or an angry note scribbled in Sharpie.

What you say on your resume: Excellent at delegating and giving honest assessments, both orally and in writing.

• Reality: You’re an insufferable overachiever with a wicked case of OCD and an inferiority complex.

What you say on your resume: Organized, diligent and detail-oriented; goes above and beyond what’s expected.

• Reality: When you’re not kiting bills or stealing welfare checks, you’re making fake handicapped placards for your car.

What you say on your resume: An out-of-the-box thinker keen at approaching projects from new angles.

• Reality: Completing a project necessitates smoking a few joints in the parking lot and doing the exact opposite of what you were told.

What you say on your resume: A self-starter with visionary, creative ideas.

• Reality: You have no ambitions except to be a competitive eater.

What you say on your resume: You’re not afraid to take on huge projects, even if they might be a bit painful.

• Reality: You’ll talk the ear off of anyone who comes within a 20-foot radius.

What you say on your resume: Excellent presentation, communication and interpersonal skills.

• Reality: You’re a filthy liar, and a drug dealer.

What you say on your resume: You have a passion for sales.

• Reality: You’re a filthy liar, with some graphic design skills.

What you say on your resume: You have a passion for advertising and marketing.

• Reality: You’re one of those cads who drives, puts on makeup and talks on the phone at the same time.

What you say on your resume: An excellent multitasker with great phone manners.

• Reality: You like blowing shit up.

What you say on your resume: Extensive background in experimental physics.

• Reality: When given a computer and an important assignment, you will spend the day talking on AIM and browsing porn.

What you say on your resume: Familiar with the demands and culture of corporate America.

See? It’s not that hard. Just remember, it’s not your qualifications or skills, but how you spin them. Just ask Quincy Troupe.