Can you believe I’ve spent an entire year faithfully writing columns to make you snicker derisively every two weeks? I can’t either. Frankly, it’s left me tired. I want a sandwich. If I ever had column ideas, I’m out — until next fall, when I’ll be buoyed by a summer’s worth of alienating, ridicule-worthy experiences and a much-needed break from UCSD.
Thanks to all who e-mailed me with feedback about my columns — positive or negative. I had fun ignoring all of your thoughtful letters. Thanks to those who used my columns to line a birdcage, or a cat’s litter box or to wash windows — which, I found out this weekend, actually works like a charm. And lastly, thanks to those who acknowledged my columns (and my existence) by awkwardly staring at me on the shuttle or while wandering to class. There’s nothing quite like a creepy stare to say, “Hey, you’re that chick from the Guardian!”
Now, I was going to keep those “Thank yous” to a simple three, but come to think of it, I have a bunch more people to thank. Let’s all give a round of applause to:
The undercover San Diego cop who ruined my Sun God: It must be awesome doing the grown-up equivalent of shooting fish in a barrel.
Ian, for the boringly civil break-up: My bed is big, empty and not a boy, but at least it doesn’t worship Ryan Adams or wear ugly shirts.
Every male cashier at Trader Joe’s, who insists on flirting with me even when I’m tired and in a bad mood: I’m sorry if I’m curt with you. It’s not you, it’s me. And would you stop manhandling that baguette? Thanks.
Grant Schrader and Vlad Kogan, for not punching me in the face: Hey, I can’t help it if you two are so damn easy to make fun of during long production sessions.
Joe Watson, for being the root of evil at UCSD: The cities of Santa Barbara, Las Vegas, Tijuana and Rosarito must worship you for driving so many thrill-seeking UCSD students their way. Never in history has anyone made seedy Mexican clubs or dangerous Mexican moonshine look so damn appealing.
Marye Anne Fox, for elevating bad haircuts to entirely new heights and for hanging on to those superfluous letters in your name: Both must take huge courage. I wish I could thank you for what you’ve done for UCSD this year, but I have no frickin’ idea of what that entails.
The Price Center dancing girl, for teaching me those awesome dance moves: I can’t keep the guys off of me!
Brother Jed and other crazy preacher-types: You’re always good for a hearty laugh. And is it just me, or does your pseudo-religious bullshit make you horny for furious, drunk, hypocritical premarital sex while lying, cheating, stealing, getting an abortion and being a feminist? OK, I guess it’s just me.
Those Greeks on Library Walk, who completely ignore me when giving out their rave cards to other people: I didn’t want to go to your party anyway.
UCSD students, for being so entertainingly nasty to each other: It makes a friendly “Hey, there” make you think you’ve died and gone to Super-Friendly Heaven.
All my friends, for not throwing up on my bed this year: A huge improvement from last year, guys! Congratulations!
My self-righteous, nosy, flamboyantly religious neighbor: Gosh, what would I do without your lectures, which come out of nowhere and last entirely too long? You’re like the crazy uber-Christian uncle I never had.
The parking office, for slapping me with a $40 ticket and rejecting my appeal: You make biking to school so damn appealing. I can’t wait to live close to campus next year.
My roommates — all six of them — for not killing me: Thanks a bunch. Hey, do you know where the TV remote went? You don’t? OK, what about the cat, then?
That fucker who stole my bike freshman year: I’m still mad at you. Hmm, that wasn’t a thank-you at all. Well, let’s continue…
The SunGod Party, for running the wackiest joke campaign UCSD has ever seen: Your campaign was a joke, right?
Food co-op bagels, for being so toasty and delicious, and for keeping me alive this whole year because I’m too cheap to buy a real lunch: Yum.
Getting the same education, yet paying more and more for it with each passing year: Inflation is awesome.
Coffee, for existing.
Lemurs, for being cute.
Jimmy Eat World, for attracting so many people at WinterFest I didn’t get into the concert: I didn’t want to be corrupted by your satanic rock music, anyway. Hmmph. (Brother Jed would be proud of me, I’m sure.)
Any and all UCSD-themed Web sites, LiveJournal communities and Craigslist: On dull study nights, you remind me however angst-ridden, lonely or passive-aggressive I get, I got nothin’ on the bulk of UCSD students.
Low expectations: There’s nothing quite like them to keep you pleasantly surprised.
The light at the end of the tunnel: If the year wasn’t fun, at least it’s nearly over.
