Oh, what a difference a car makes. To think — for two years, I put up with the humiliation and horror of walking, riding the shuttle, and putting my life in the hands of the maniacal drivers who nudged their bumpers against my thighs as I traversed crosswalks at a trot. Now I’m the master of my fate and the captain of the road — a bona fide Southern California driver. Damn the pansy-ass rules of Northern California, where I tooled my way to a permit and license at 25 miles per hour, forced into submission by the vise grips of the law and common sense. Driving in Southern California is the real deal, and my initiation on San Diego’s roads threw open the doors to a brave new world — a world of refusing to let pesky obstacles like curbs and double-yellow lines stand between me and my destination; of passing people early and often; of taking speed limits only as vague suggestions. But that only scratches the surface of what I’ve learned over the past few months. There’s much more:
Changing Lanes
NorCal: Blink for at least five seconds, wait for an opening in traffic and change lanes.
SoCal: There will never be an opening in traffic, so create one by nosing into the desired lane while shooting dirty looks to the person you’re cutting off. Turn signals are for wimps.
Parking
NorCal: Park only in designated parking spots, and watch the parking brake and angle of your tires when parking on a hill.
SoCal: See a patch of pavement not already occupied by a car? Lucky you — you’ve found a parking spot. Does the spot happen to be in the middle of the road? No problem — just flick on your hazard lights and walk away.
Speeding
NorCal: Cops are everywhere, so you’re busted if you drive more than 5 mph above the speed limit.
SoCal: Go 5 mph over the speed limit and the cops will run you over in their rush to bust their next “bad guy.”
Traffic lights
NorCal: Speed through the intersection if the light turns yellow.
SoCal: Speed through the intersection if the light turns red.
Residential streets
NorCal: Never drive over 25 mph, and watch out for children and other obstacles.
SoCal: Go at least 60 mph, knowing that no child with any sense of self-preservation will venture within 10 feet of the street.
Driving in the rain
NorCal: Turn on wipers and proceed at a reduced speed. Be thankful it isn’t snowing.
SoCal: Slow down to 15 mph, frantically try to remember how to operate windshield wipers and swerve madly.
Dealing with heavy traffic
NorCal: Keep a safe distance from the person in front of you and violently slam on the brake if you catch any glimpse of brake lights in front of you.
SoCal: Ride the bumper of the person in front of you at 90 mph.
Commuting to work
NorCal: Ride Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) to work. It’s the socially conscious method of transportation, and the urine smell really perks you up in the morning before you slurp down your latte.
SoCal: Spend at least two hours per day commuting to and from work. If your commute doesn’t regularly feature gridlocked traffic and induce pounding on your wheel, swearing, and finally crying in frustration, find a route that does. Only then will you become a true Southern Californian.
Pedestrians
NorCal: Pedestrians have the right-of-way and cars will yield for them.
SoCal: Crossing the street signifies a pedestrian’s wish to die. Treat them accordingly by summarily running them over.
Other drivers
NorCal: Drive with the speed of traffic and don’t drive in anyone’s blind spot.
SoCal: Other drivers exist solely as barriers to where you wish to go. Weave around them, angrily screaming and gesturing at them as you do so.
In-car entertainment
NorCal: Entertain and educate yourself as you drive by listening to NPR.
SoCal: Entertain yourself as you drive by watching the 12-inch TV mounted on your dashboard.
Family-mobiles
NorCal: Mommies run you over in Volvos while driving their daughters to soccer practice so they can be the next Mia Hamm.
SoCal: Mommies run you over in Suburbans and Expeditions while driving their daughters to acting lessons so they can be the next Hilary Duff.
Status symbols
NorCal: Broadcast your success with a black Mercedes or BMW with Stanford or UC Berkeley vanity plates.
SoCal: Broadcast your success with a mustard-yellow Hummer with five dead pedestrians artfully arranged on the hood.
Washing your car
NorCal: Scrub away in your driveway on a Saturday, or just wait until the next rainstorm to rinse off the bird crap and drifts of pollen.
SoCal: This is La Jolla, so pay a crew of uniformed illegal immigrants to wash your car by hand. Refuse to tip because Pedro missed a spot when drying your bumper.
Bumper stickers
NorCal: A Howard Dean sticker in the window is absolutely necessary. “Keep Santa Cruz Weird” stickers are allowed, but only if you’re college-aged and drive a shitty Honda. If you’re over 30, “Keep Tahoe Blue” is the trendy option, especially when on a hybrid vehicle.
SoCal: No car is complete without a Bush/Cheney ’04 sticker vying for attention amid your “We Will Never Forget” sticker, half-dozen yellow-ribbon stickers, and “My child is a marginally successful student at Whitman Elementary” bumper sticker.
Vehicle mods
NorCal: Have some extra cash? Own a foreign-made car that’s not nearly “sick” enough to “impress the bitches”? Think you’re a badass? Go nuts with an obnoxious decal, a lowering kit and chrome rims. Your homies will give you extra props if the money you spend on mods exceeds the amount your parents paid for your car.
SoCal: Ditto, except 45-year-old women with PT Cruisers are fair game for mods also. Drive a car that looks like a raisin? Fantastic — add some flowery contrast detailing and blinding rims to make sure everyone within a five-mile radius knows you’re an idiot with no taste.
