lthough the leaves are not changing colors and snow is not starting to blanket UCSD, the holidays are just around the corner. Throughout the chaos of the holiday season, there has been one man who has stood above the rest. His name is Santa Claus. But who is this jolly man in a big red suit dishing out presents to good little children? What is he all about? To find out, look no further than to the least reliable place on earth: you guessed it, Hollywood.
Guardian
The Stereotypical Santa
This particular Santa is the one our culture is most familiar with. Complete with everything from a big white beard to a hefty frame, this Santa is the one that gets all the publicity. A classic example is George Seaton’s “”Miracle on 34th St.”” In this movie, an old man who calls himself Kris Kringle and claims to be Santa Claus takes up a job as a shopping mall Santa. He has many skeptics and is forced to go to court to prove his identity. In a heroic finish, he ends up changing the cynical minds of adults and children alike by proving he is, in fact, Santa Claus. The stereotypical Santa always has to triumph against overwhelming odds, but always comes out victorious in the end. This Santa is more than just a man and is the Santa you don’t want to pick a fight with. Although he is very jolly, he tends to have a bit of a mean streak, which results in a large piece of coal being placed in the stockings of naughty children.
The “”Ernest”” Santa
OK, this isn’t a real category, but everybody would want Jim Varney to dress up in a big red suit and deliver them presents. In “”Ernest Saves Christmas,”” Ernest is up to his usual crazy antics when Santa Claus decides to retire. Ernest takes over Santa’s job and basically acts like a total moron for an hour and a half of fun-filled, wacky humor. The “”Ernest”” Santa is no different than your typical Ernest. Filled with obnoxious one-liners and bizarre facial expressions, this Santa is certainly the most puzzling of them all. He has no superhuman powers and is actually less coordinated than most five-year-olds. Although foolish, this Santa is the nicest of the bunch and will be sure to give you your presents, unless he breaks his neck falling through your chimney.
The Heroic Santa
Each year, many children have to face the reality that Santa is living in the bedroom next to theirs, as opposed to the North Pole. And year after year, this middle-aged Santa tries valiantly to instill the spirit of Christmas in all of his children, but usually fails miserably. In “”National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation,”” Clark W. Griswold tries to provide his kids with the Christmas of a lifetime. Unfortunately but inevitably there are a variety of mishaps and failures along the way. The Heroic Santa represents the majority of Santas in the world. Despite meaning well, they always end up getting the wrong gifts for their kids, most likely scarring them emotionally for the rest of their lives. The bottom line is that these Santas are good-hearted men who have only the best intentions in mind.
The Drunken Santa with a Heart of Gold
This Santa will easily become your favorite Santa. Although he is a sloppy drunk and barely able to stand, he is always able to deliver important life lessons to children in need. In “”Home Alone,”” the drunken Santa is called on to guide Kevin McCalister toward the path of righteousness. Although Santa has a minute role in this movie of mayhem, he provides Kevin with a good dose of moral goodness that makes him realize that what he truly wants for Christmas is his family. If you were to meet up with this Santa in a dark alley, it might be a good idea to fight your instinct to run screaming, and instead have a conversation with him. Although his slurred speech is hard to decipher, beneath that whisky-soaked beard are priceless words of wisdom. Don’t expect good gifts from this Santa, though; he only gives out orange Tic Tacs.
The Stupid Santa
This Santa can only be played by sitcom actors desperately trying to prove their worth on the big screen. Tim Allen in “”The Santa Clause”” is the perfect example of the Stupid Santa. After Santa is killed in a freak accident, the title of Santa Claus is passed on to Scott Calvin (Tim Allen). The Stupid Santa is a “”wannabe”” Santa. An early sign that you have an impostor on your hands is that he is dressed up in Stereotypical Santa gear. This is just a facade because in truth, he has none of Stereotypical Santa’s actual powers. The only thing that the Stupid Santa provides is a slew of endless bad jokes and a desire to scream every time you hear the words “”home improvement.””
The Terminator Santa
This Santa is usually masked by a thick Austrian accent and can be seen running our beloved state of California. In “”Jingle All the Way,”” Arnold plays a father who will do anything to get his kid the toy that he wants. Truthfully, I have no idea what this movie was about. All I can say is that I want that hour and a half of my life back. The Terminator Santa can beat up all the other Santas and has been known to sexually harass Mrs. Claus. Whatever you do, stay away from the Terminator Santa!
