Throughout the history of time, many questions have been asked, and a considerable amount of those questions have been answered. But one question that I haven’t heard a lot of explanation of is this: Do annoying people know that they’re annoying? I don’t think this is the kind of question that can be answered with a simple yes or no answer. The initial question that we have to solve is this: Do they even suspect that they’re annoying? How the hell could they not? I’ll give you an example.

I had a class once that was completely full. There were people sitting in the aisles because they came a minute late, but there were always nine chairs empty about three rows from the front.

One day, I came in late, and I sat in one of these chairs. After checking for the usual reasons why chairs are empty such as crap all over them, blocking a projector and broken armrest, I relaxed and listened to the lecture. About 10 minutes later, the professor was telling a story, and the guy next to me just yelled something out that he thought was funny. I think it’s safe to say that he was the only one that thought it was funny because the whole classroom was silent for a few seconds and looked at him. The professor continued, and about 20 minutes later, the exact same thing happened. Except this time, someone yelled, “”Shut up!”” and everybody started laughing. And then, he started to laugh because he thought that everybody thought that he was funny, and he did it a few more times throughout the lecture.

I started to realize that there was a perimeter of empty seats around this guy with the exception of one, occupied by yours truly. I wanted to yell, “”I’m not with this asshole!”” but it was too late. I was already associated with him.

Now, it should be clear to any normal human being that this guy was annoying, but annoying people aren’t normal human beings. They think on a completely different wavelength than normal people. They have a completely different sense of humor — no, to be more exact, they have no sense of humor at all, but think they do.

Are you annoying? I’ve got to tell you, the fact that you’re reading the Guardian increases your chances by about 1,000 percent. Writing for the Guardian is even higher — yes, I realize the irony in that statement, but we’re just talking about you here.

I would say there is about a 1 percent chance that you’re not annoying. Now, I know you’re saying to yourself, “”I’m not annoying. Who’s this asshole to say that I’m annoying. I know annoying people; that ‘Dude, you’re getting a Dell!’ guy is annoying.”” Look buddy, I’m not here to point fingers. I’m here to help. Knowing ois half the battle. Let me just convince you that you are annoying, and then we’ll go from there about what to do about it.

When you say things that you think are funny, is there a momentary pause in the conversation? That’s people taking the time out of their busy schedule of talking to think to themselves, “”Goddamn, that guy’s annoying.”” Do you tell stories that go on for quite some time with little or no resolution, and that resolution isn’t funny to anybody listening? Do people quickly change the topic of conversation after your stories? If you answered yes to any of these questions, chances are, you’re annoying.

Another good way to tell is catch phrases. Catch phrases are funny things that funny people say. Funny people often engineer these phrases from songs, movies and television, and when they introduce them into their normal conversations, they become funny and hence, are used for quite some time, usually a period of one to two months. Have you ever been the first to pioneer a catch phrase among your group of friends? Do people groan when you use this catch phrase? This is a possible indicator that you’re annoying. Do people groan when you use other people’s catch phrases? This is a definite indicator that you’re annoying. Funny people know when catch phrases have “”played their course”” and expire them immediately. Annoying people do not seem to have this ability.

Do you listen to National Public Radio? Do you listen to NPR for the sole purpose of talking to other people about what you heard on NPR? Have you ever lectured someone on any topic? Have you ever had a one-sided conversation where the other person responded with one-word answers for half an hour or more? Have you ever told someone about something you learned in class? Is something you learned in class a common conversation topic for you? Were you rejected from UC Berkeley but really wanted to go? Have you ever written a letter to the editor of the Guardian? Have you ever said that you were going to write a letter to the editor but didn’t actually take the time to do it? Have you ever written comments on the Guardian’s Web site? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you’re a special breed of annoying. You’re a pseudo-intellectual.

Now that you know that you’re annoying, you can now begin the process of becoming not annoying. Instead of committing suicide or beating yourself up about it, take pride in the fact that the majority of annoying people don’t realize that they’re annoying and make no attempt to stop being annoying.

The first thing you have to do is stop trying to be funny. This can be difficult, because many times in a conversation you’ll think something is funny and want to say it. Don’t. Resist the urge to speak. Make friends with funny people. Start listening to what other people say, and when people laugh, and you may begin to understand what is actually funny.

When you begin to realize what is funny and what isn’t, you may then feel the urge to copy what people are saying. Try to avoid this as well. The only way this can be successfully done is to divide your friends into two groups of people and constantly relay the funny things being said from one group to another, giving the impression that you’re funny when you’re not. Instead, try to develop your own brand of humor, but not so much yours that it is once again, unfunny and annoying. If this doesn’t work, come to the self-realization that you’re not funny, you never will be funny, and you shoild stop trying to be funny. It is far better to be regarded as “”quiet”” than “”fucking annoying.””

And if you really feel that you can’t stop trying to be funny, you need to make sure you stay the hell away from me.