I’m very much against water. I remember the good old days when no one drank it.

You think I’m kidding. I’m not. I’m dead serious. Think back to elementary school. “”I’ve got a Squeeze-It!”” “”I’ve got a Squeeze-It, too!”” “”I got a Coke.”” “”Yoohoo for me.”” But Bobby, Bobby wouldn’t say anything. He would look a little sullen when he peered into his paper bag. “”What do you have, Bobby?”” “”I’ve got water.”” The conversation went more or less dead silent, and we tried to be polite because, let’s face it, Bobby’s family had to be poor. No one liked water. It tasted like nothing. In fact, it was worse than drinking nothing, because you felt like you were wasting your time with the whole experience.

But suddenly, out of nowhere, there was this huge “”be healthy”” movement. Everybody tried to cash in on it.

I think Pepsi invented bottled water. Some brilliant guys in marketing were sitting around, debating how short Cindy Crawford’s shorts should be, when one of them said, “”Hey, we’ve got this thing that pumps out water, this machine that makes it carbonated, one that adds syrup and another that puts it into bottles. Why don’t we just cut out the carbonation and syrup machines, put a new label on the bottle and charge the exact same price? We can call it Aquafina.”” And America bought into it: We agreed to pay money for something that comprises two thirds of the earth. Bottled water these days costs about the same as gas and in some cases, more than gas. Think about that. It’s not exactly a fucking scarce resource.

I think the reason it does so well is that people have this misguided idea that water is the answer to everything. It’s the magical cure-all of life. Remember the last party you were at? The guy that was the life of the party is now out on the patio shivering and hovering over a potted plant, and some asshole is trying to unload a gallon of water down his throat because he’s “”seen this before”” and “”knows exactly what to do.”” I hate those fuckers. Since they’ve been drinking since junior high, they think they have Ph.Ds in post-buzz headaches.

If you’re unlucky enough to be the guy over the potted plant and one of your friends is trying to force you to drink water, I say kick him in the balls. Because “”fuck off”” doesn’t really do the trick; they just think, “”Oh, he’s just drunk, but I know better. He’ll thank me in the morning.”” But once you kick him in the balls, he’ll be less inclined to want to help you. And if you’re “”that guy”” that wants to help drunk people, the real way to help drunk people is to help them help themselves. Lie them on their stomach, grab their keys, leave a plastic bag and some water in a non-spillable container, and get the hell out of there. And, if you want to get some more entertainment out of them, find a bucket of warm water and stick their hand in it. Just make sure it’s not your couch they’re laying on.

Bottled water is right up there with pet rocks and those miniature sand gardens with rakes. I was at this snowboard shop last week, and they had this beanie that they had attached two large googly eyes to. It looked exactly like those ghosts from Pac-man. I thought it was damn cool until I realized it was $15.99. Sixteen bucks for a $1 beanie and googly eyes. And the thing is, they wouldn’t make this stuff if people didn’t buy it. Like those “”multi-buys”” at Ralph’s that say, “”If you buy three, it’s only $9!”” Well if you’re one of those people that doesn’t know that if you buy one, it’s $3, then you’re what’s wrong with America. Not terrorists, the space shuttle, job security — you. You’re the reason gum costs $5 at the airport and McDonald’s has renamed the Cajun McChicken three times.

My best friend used to be like me. He used to know where every Mr. Pibb soda dispenser was in town. And then, one day, out of the blue, he decided to stop drinking soda. He just quit, cold turkey. I quickly saw it was the beginning of the end. Next week he’s wearing Birkenstocks with socks and telling me about how Hostess factories have rats in them. I mean, what the hell. Everybody knows Hostess factories have rats in them, but you just don’t think about it and you sure as hell don’t talk about it. It’s like death; it’s in the back of your mind, but there’s a good reason you don’t bring it to the front, because then you start doing silly things like going to church, buying annoying bumper stickers, and asking people at Ralph’s what they’re doing this weekend and if they want to attend a barbeque you and a couple friends are having.

But it’s a shame — when we were growing up we lived off Super Nintendo and Coke, and we were damn cool. Now only I am damn cool; my best friend is just this guy that makes tea in his car and would smoke clove cigarettes if they weren’t so bad for him. Bottled water ruined his life; it could ruin yours. Look for warning signs like 50 percent of your fridge not consisting of cans and having surprisingly low restaurant bills. You could be becoming lame.