It’s a policy of mine not to learn new things about myself. Quite frankly, I think I’m disturbing enough already, and I prefer to spend my time pointing out why other people are so fucked up.

The other day, however, I was sitting around with a bunch of people, doing absolutely nothing to better the condition of the world, when my friend Lauren informed me that I am a “”guys’ girl.””

As you can imagine, this raised several important questions. What is a guys’ girl? Is it a compliment or an insult? Is it the new politically correct term for “”lesbian””? Does it mean I look like a guy? And perhaps most important of all: Is this going to require me to kick Lauren’s ass?

Now, I don’t know about you, but I don’t like to be insulted with terms I don’t understand. It’s just rude. But when I asked Lauren if being a guys’ girl was a good thing or a bad thing, she said, “”It’s not good or bad; it’s just the way you are.””

That is never a good sign.

So, in what I thought was a marvelous display of maturity and educated inquisitiveness, I replied, “”Oh. OK. Well fuck you, too, then.””

In fear of getting a guys’ girl really pissed off (which I assumed to be a bad thing), Lauren quickly defined the term for me.

Guys’ girl: noun. A female who possesses or shares an affinity with men; a woman who enjoys or frequently participates in male-dominated activities or hobbies; the opposite of a “”girls’ girl;”” not a lesbian.

Well, two things are definitely clear: Lauren spends way too much time looking shit up in the dictionary, and being a guys’ girl is not an insult. Glad to have that cleared up.

But now I have to wonder: What is it that makes me a guys’ girl? Can I still be friends with girls? Do I have to grunt a lot and pretend to scratch balls I don’t have? Does being a guys’ girl require some sort of government certificate?

Well, I don’t know what the answers to any of those questions are, really (except that I refuse to scratch my crotch — I have my principles). But here are some easy ways to figure out if you fall under the category of “”guys’ girl”” or “”girls’ girl””:

You might be a guys’ girl if you see yourself as Elaine from “”Seinfeld.”” You might be a girls’ girl if you see yourself as Rachel from “”Friends.””

You might be a guys’ girl if you can walk into a sports bar, watch a football player get tackled, and scream, “”Get up, you fucking whimp!”” You might be a girls’ girl if you would rather watch paint dry than even be in a sports bar.

You might be a guys’ girl if you can name just one Clint Eastwood movie. You might be a girls’ girl if you know the full name of just one Backstreet Boy.

You might be a guys’ girl if you wear yesterday’s laundry more than makeup. You might be a girls’ girl if you spend more than half of your annual income on lip gloss.

You might be a guys’ girl if you don’t go to the gym because you already know you can kick ass. You might be a girls’ girl if you don’t go to the gym because being sweaty is “”icky.””

You might be a guys’ girl if it takes you two days to notice you’ve broken a nail. You might be a girls’ girl if you notice right away — and immediately contemplate suicide.

You might be a guys’ girl if you only shop when your old clothes don’t fit or they remind people of the days when the New Kids on the Block was cool. You might be a girls’ girl if the employees at the GAP and Forever 21 know you by name.

(You might be a complete moron if you still think New Kids on the Block are cool, but that is a completely separate issue altogether.)

You might be a guys’ girl if you never make a man pay for dinner — and then put out anyway (though this might also make you a slut). You might be a girls’ girl if you refuse to pay for anything — and then make your boyfriend meet your parents before he’s allowed to touch your boobs.

You might be a guys’ girl if you laugh like a normal human being. You might be a girls’ girl if you laugh like a hyena on Valium.

You might be a guys’ girl if you think people who can burp the alphabet are genetically more advanced than the rest of the human race. You might be a girls’ girl if you think burping the alphabet should be grounds for immediate termination from the human race.

So basically, I’m pretty much a guys’ girl, and I don’t have to kick Lauren’s ass for telling me so. And it’s a good thing for her, too, because she is definitely a girls’ girl, and I would wipe the floor with her.