“”Sports journalism,”” someone once told me, “”is all about top 10 lists and bathroom humor.””

“”Because sports fans have the attention span of a 6-year-old,”” he said, “”and about the same intelligence level, too.””

At such a sophisticated place as UCSD, I give sports fans significantly more credit. Plus, bathroom humor just isn’t my style. A good list, however, will always catch my eye. So, in the spirit of good sports journalism, I present to you the top 10 people from the sports world whom President George W. Bush should recruit for a war with Iraq.

10. John Madden: With both Madden and Bush working together on the same “”strategery,”” Iraq will end up so confused that it’ll surrender. Madden’s not the only Monday Night Football host who could be a valuable weapon, though. Loop a tape of host Dennis Miller doing color commentary and Saddam may just kill himself.

9. Wayne Gretzky: He’s the Great One. What more is there to say? Plus, a little support from the Maple Leaf country wouldn’t be so bad, eh?

8. Keyshawn Johnson: Send him into one of those weapons facilities, and pretty soon he won’t take no for an answer. This is a man who wants to be involved in the plan. I wouldn’t be surprised to see him walk up and demand, “”Give me the damn ball, err … bomb!””

7. Venus and Serena Williams: These girls are flat-out scary. Plus, being Jehovah’s Witnesses, they have the added experience from having gone into unfamiliar territory and being unwelcome.

6. Joe Torre: Since the Yankees have been eliminated from the playoffs early this season, he’s available. And as much as I hate to admit it, the guy has a history of winning.

5. Tiger Woods: Talk about a propaganda tool! If he can make golf popular, think what he can do for a war effort.

4. Shaq: The guy is huge, and he has a history of toppling foreign powers. He beat Yugoslavia (aka the Sacramento Kings) in the playoffs last year, didn’t he?

3. Mike Tyson: He’s tough as nails and stupid as an ox — the perfect pedigree for a front-line soldier in Iraq. Plus, is anyone going to be too distraught if this guy doesn’t find his way back to America?

2. Bo Jackson: Bo knows baseball. Bo knows football. Let’s just hope that Bo knows Saddam, because we’re going to need someone to tell all of those look-alikes apart.

… And the No. 1 most valued recruit from the sports world to send to Iraq is …

1. Dennis Rodman: For some reason, I don’t think biological weapons are going to phase this guy.