stoner steps

    What do you think is the toughest job in sports?

    Is it trying to hit a baseball with only a split-second to adjust? Is it trying to unify a group of diverse, predominantly spoiled athletes toward a common goal? Is it being a referee and trying to see everything at once, being castigated for every missed call while being ignored for every correct call? Is it being whoever has to spotlessly clean those nasty uniforms after games?

    These are all tough jobs; anyone would agree. But they pale in comparison to the huge obstacles, the seemingly insurmountable work, the pitfall after pitfall that Mike Tyson’s public relations firm has to deal with.

    The firm just dropped Tyson after a particularly expletive-ridden, offensive interview less than a month before his June 8 world title bout against Lennox Lewis.

    I don’t see why — there are some great opportunities to spin certain Tyson quotes into great sound bites for public consumption. I mean, this guy covers a lot of important issues present in our society today.

    First off, the whole biting incident with Evander Holyfield and Tyson’s “”I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children”” quotes.

    Spin: I’m just trying to demonstrate to the general public the importance of a balanced, healthy diet, while demonstrating a humanitarian concern with the overpopulation of the earth.

    On the opposite sex (said to a female reporter asking a question): “”I normally don’t do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn’t talk anymore … Unless you want to, you know.””

    Spin: I’m very shy in front of the ladies, especially in front of so many people. However, if you’d prefer to do a private interview over a candle-lit dinner, I would feel more comfortable.

    On tender emotions: “”I wish that you guys had children so I could kick them in the [expletive] head or stomp on their testicles so you could feel my pain, because that’s the pain I have waking up every day.””

    Spin: I am a very sensitive guy; my emotions are very fragile and tenuous; I wish I could find the right words to describe to you the true depth of my sorrow.

    On pastimes, American: “”I think it’s un-American not to go out with a woman, not to be with a beautiful woman, not to get my [expletive] sucked … I may like to fornicate more than other people — it’s just who I am. I sacrifice so much of my life. Can I at least get laid? I mean, I’ve been robbed of most of my money; can I at least get [oral sex] without people wanting to harass me and wanting to throw me in jail?””

    Spin: I enjoy upholding traditional American values, yet it’s been a while since I’ve practiced a few of them.

    On responsibility: “”I’m the most irresponsible person in the world. The reason I’m like that is because at 21 you all gave me $50 or $100 million, and I didn’t know what to do. I’m from the ghetto. I don’t know how to act. One day I’m in a dopehouse robbing somebody. The next thing I know, ‘You’re the heavyweight champion of the world.’ … I’m just a dumb child. I’m being abused … And you tell me I should be responsible?””

    Spin: My background is different from yours in that I was economically disadvantaged as a child. This may have caused me to make some poor decisions while I struggled with the rapid transition into the sporting arena limelight. I feel these experiences have taught me a valuable lesson in regards to finances and life in general.

    On respect for opposition: “”On June 8, flesh will not be enough. I will take Lennox’s title, his soul and smear his pompous brains all over the ring when I hit him.””

    Spin: I am highly anticipating my upcoming bout with my respected opponent Lennox Lewis. I am grateful for the opportunity to win the world title, and while I realize he is an opponent of high caliber, I am confident in my chances to earn the victory.

    On hobbies: “”I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating.””

    Spin: I believe people are drawn to me for my dynamic personality, and my inherent radiant beauty. The excellence of my character is simply magnetic, and I think the number of my fans and friends is quite sizable.

    On religion: “”Everybody counteracts what God is really about. If Jesus was here, do you think Jesus would show me any love? Do you think Jesus would love me? I’m a Muslim, but do you think Jesus would love me … I think Jesus would have a drink with me and discuss … Now, he would be cool. He would talk to me. But [Christians] don’t understand that when he comes back, that these crazy greedy capitalistic men are gonna kill him again.””

    Spin: While being a devout Muslim myself, I am tolerant to all religions. I particularly have many Christian friends and enjoy discussing theology with them.

    With golden quotes such as these, it’s hard to believe Tyson’s PR firm decided to give him the boot. Well Tyson, if you still need another public relations person, give me call. Just stay away from my ears.

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