because I said so

    I have noticed that a strikingly low percentage of Earth’s population knows the proper way to view a live sporting event.

    It seems that many people falsely assume that mere physical presence is all that is required to claim that they attended a sporting event. To all of you lost souls who have fallen prey to this assumption: Fear not, for I will help you.

    Preparation for attending a sporting event begins when you wake up in the morning. A good breakfast is key for maintaining energy throughout the grueling day. I usually start the morning with a few cups of coffee, some eggs and possibly some pancakes. Some sausage or bacon can also be a real plus. At the very least, try to choke down a bowl of cereal.

    Keep in mind that you want to save room for the tailgate party that will take place before the game. The key is to fill yourself up enough so that you are awake, fresh and full of energy; you just don’t want to be too full. It is a fine line that many a fan have mistakenly crossed.

    Following breakfast, the next step of preparation is the selection of gear. Your clothing (or lack thereof) will completely set the mood for your afternoon. You can take the boring and conservative route and just wear your normal, everyday clothes. Personally, I think that is seriously weak.

    You should sport your team’s colors proudly as you enter the stadium. It is even permissible to wear the clothing of the team you will be seeing. It is perfectly acceptable to wear a jersey, shirt, hat or any other item of clothing featuring your teams logo. For those of you who are a little more adventurous, I advise you to invest in body paint. Nothing sets the tone for a day of fun and merriment like body paint. It lets everyone sitting around you know that you are a true fan and that you are not someone to be messed with.

    Now that you have properly fed and clothed yourself, it is time to hit the grocery store en route to the pre-game tailgate party. While at the store, you should be very quick and precise with your purchases. Do not turn into some annoying woman who strolls down every aisle with no true agenda or shopping list, just looking for what strikes her.

    Buying food and drink have absolutely no similarity to buying gear, in which the main purpose is to browse until you see something that strikes you. You should have a list already made out that includes some sort of meat to barbecue, a variety of chips, salsa, dips and drinks.

    You are on your own in deciding what you like in the other categories, but I am going to suggest that you take my advice about deciding which beverages to purchase. I say that you should just buy the cheapest beer that you can possibly find — taste be damned. I say this because you know that as soon as you enter the stadium, you will be paying obscene amounts for cups of beer. You might as well buy the cheap stuff while it’s under your control. That way the price will somewhat even out.

    Plus, you can buy more of it at the store so you can be drunk enough that you only need a few beers once you enter the stadium.

    The tailgate party is an essential part of any sporting event. Gathering in the stadium parking lot and busting out the barbecue and ice chest is a time-honored tradition that should be adhered to by all who attend sporting events.

    A portable television or radio is a welcome addition to any tailgate party. It allows tailgaters to watch or listen to the pre-game show and get up to speed on the latest happenings with their team. Sitting with friends and discussing how your team is going to kick the shit out of its unsuspecting opponents while sipping some suds and scarfing animal flesh always makes me smile.

    Once the tailgating is finished, it is time to enter the stadium. From here there are two possible courses of action. The sole determining factor in which route will be chosen is which stadium you are in. If you are rooting for the home team, keep reading. If, however, you are one of the brave souls who has decided to root for the visitors (may God have mercy on your soul), then skip ahead three paragraphs and proceed from there.

    So, you’ve decided to root for the home team. That is a fantastic choice. This gives you the license to be as loud and obnoxious as you want. Feel free to scream at the top of your lungs in praise of your beloved team. By the same token, feel free to scream horrible, horrible things about the mother of the visiting coach. The coach will seem shocked and appalled, but he will be appreciative of it on the inside.

    As a fan of the home team, it is also your duty to let the governing officials know when they miss a call. A few time-honored cheers for just such an occasion include “”Get off your knees ref — you’re blowing the game”” and “”Nuts and bolts, nuts and bolts …. we … got … SCREWED.””

    The final thing that you must remember is that you are obligated to harass anyone who is sitting in your general area and is rooting for the other team. It doesn’t matter if your team is winning or not, you just have to give them shit. That’s the way it is. Now that you have learned how to root for the home team, you can read on to the next paragraph and learn how to root for the visiting team, or you can simply skip the next two paragraphs.

    You’re the brave soul who is actually rooting for the visiting team. I commend you. Hopefully you have taken the route of dressing in little other than body paint to show your true team spirit. This will help you later when the home fans think you are a psycho. They will be less likely to beat you with empty beer bottles if you walk into their stadium with the other team’s colors sprayed on your chest and your whole person reeking of alcohol. You must also scream obnoxiously at every opportunity to piss off the home team.

    If, by some miracle, your team actually beats the home team, it is your duty to inform all home fans around you that they have lost the contest. Some of them might have been in the restroom while the game was decided, so you will want to make sure that each and every one of them knows the true outcome.

    With the game done, it is time for the forgotten tradition of the post-game party. This is usually held in the parking lot with the leftovers from the tailgate party. You simply eat, drink and watch or listen to the post-game show. This allows the rest of the crowd to sit through traffic and get really pissed off while you have a great time with your friends. Once the traffic has cleared, you can mosey on out of the stadium at your own pace and return to your home.

    I hope that this has been an informative article for y’all to read. Remember, this does not have to pertain to professional sporting events. You can just as easily follow this guide at a UCSD home event. Go on and root on our teams. They deserve our support. Because I said so.

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