How-To Guru: Gone With the Wind

Right as UCSD students were starting to feel acclimated to winter weather, the forecast throws us a sudden curveball. Everybody was happily tucked up in bed. We were feeling extra cozy while seeking shelter from the cool winter frost, with our snuggies, stuffed animals and mugs of steaming hot chocolate. Without warning, those Santa Ana winds came soaring into San Diego, filling the skies with warm streams of dry desert air. One moment the rain is thundering down upon us; we’re in the midst of El Nino, barely able to brave the storm. The next moment, intense heat and wind is pounding down on us. Just remember, this situation is only temporary.

Santa Ana winds can create a vast array of life-threatening hazards. This includes wind, heat and dryness. Symptoms may include beach fantasies, summer dreams and intense ice cream cravings. Don’t let your body become hopelessly confused by the unexpected onset of perfectly ideal weather. We’ll give you some useful tips to shelter yourself from the Santa Ana winds with this handy dandy guide from the how-to guru.

It is crucial that you shield your body from the scalding hot waves of sun. Go to CVS and buy 10 or 20 bottles of spray-on sunscreen. Yes, they are overpriced, underfilled bottles of skin protection that will run out within five minutes of use or become jammed at the opening, rendering the entire bottle useless. That is why it’s imperative that you have a huge stock of these poorly designed products. 

Of course, you could buy normal sunscreen that requires being rubbed in, but who are we kidding? Nobody has time to sit around, greasing themselves up with such a time-consuming, arduous task like applying sunscreen. You’re better than that. Invest in a large stock of spray-on sunscreen to survive the ferociously hot Santa Ana winds, because baby, you’re worth it.

As you head to your first class, accidentally step onto the shuttle that heads down to La Jolla Shores. As you sit in the bus, gaze absentmindedly out the window, taking in the beautiful blue sky and windy palm trees. You should really study for your calculus test. Oops, you’re at the beach now. It would be a shame to go straight to class from here.

The final step is to go ahead and rip off your clothes — revealing your favorite swimsuit (which, of course, you’ve been wearing all day). Now run straight into the gleaming beach waters. Don’t stop to think about nitpicky little details about your work duties or academic responsibilities. Midterms can wait. Essays can wait. The sun will not wait for your return, if you spend this precious week locked in the basement of the Geisel or Biomed Library. 

Next week will be spent frantically catching up on all your overdue homework assignments. For now, break out the bikinis and pina coladas. There’s only so much we can do in these dangerous desert winds. Lying on the beach is one simple precaution. Life is short, and Santa Ana winds don’t come out every day.