If every movie is important enough to warrant its own soundtrack, and your life is more important (and longer) than any film, doesn’t it seem inevitable that the question, “What is the theme song to your life?” will come up sooner or later? Whether it’s Digital Underground’s “Freaks of the Industry” or the Guns and Roses’ “Welcome to the Jungle,” if you can think of a tune that defines your 18-plus years of existence I am thoroughly impressed. For some it’s not so easy. Because that proved to be too daunting a task, I cheated and found a more facile question, then sifted through numerous iPods and radio stations to find the theme songs of a few major sports.
You may have to use your imagination for some, and others seem to be just right, but hey, I screened through all the songs about cheating on your baby’s daddy and self-hatred to bring to you “The Theme Songs of Sports.”
National Hockey League — Metallica’s “Master of Puppets.” What’s more fitting than crowning the most hardcore sports with a song from one of the best rock bands of all time? Yeah, I don’t know either. No sport has more physical fights, more morphine-injecting, die-hard athletes or a more cut-the-crap attitude, and with lyrics like, “Taste me you will see/More is all you need/You’re dedicated to/How I’m killing you” it’s hard to imagine anything other than “Master! Master!” ringing in your ears before you deck a guy and spend time in the penalty box.
Professional Golf Association — Britney Spears’ “Sometimes.” By no means am I poking fun at any hardcore golfer, but the lyrics just speak for themselves on this one: “Sometimes I run”: Does this sport get any faster than 10 miles per hour on a golf cart? “Sometimes I hide”: Where has Tiger Woods been recently? “Sometimes I’m scared of you”: Have you ever tried driving a golf cart with a golf ball being hurled at you? I guess that’s how Britney was feeling when she sang this wonder. And golfers should feel especially proud for having been crowned with the only female singer to grace this list.
National Basketball Association — Opio’s “Talk Dirty.” You’ll have to take this song out of it’s “let’s get it on” context, but it’s a good match for the nation’s biggest trash-talking sport. If you’ve ever played a hard game of streetball or if players had mics on the court, it seems as though half of them are asking for some trash-talking, thus: “Why don’t you talk dirty/I really don’t mind/Take a little time, to the max we climb/Let me know what’s on yo’ nasty mind.” With a good, smooth beat in the background, Opio brings us a song that flows just as well as the ball and smack-talking do on the court. The song’s sexual innuendos can’t be far from what happens off the court either.
National Football League — Disturbed’s “Down with the Sickness” This is one of the most adrenaline-pumping, catchy songs to hit the airwaves in awhile. With verses like, “There is no turning back now/You’ve woken up the demon in me,” it’s got an “in-your-face” attitude that makes you feel like you can take on the world take some people out … Or just pretend you’re Ed Hartwell taking out a few pillows in your living room. Also, amid suggestions of DMX’s “Ruff Ryders Anthem” and Tupac’s “Hit ‘Em Up,” this was also the one song whose lyrics that could be printed here.
National Rugby League — Keak Da Sneak’s “Super Hyphy.” This is a tribute to the Bay Area; just like the sport, this song is awesome — but like the sport itself, it’s also so fast-paced you kind of know what’s going on but not really. Keak’s raspy voice raps hard with a catchy tune that’ll make you disregard the fact that you don’t really know what he’s saying — just like the way you just can’t peel your eyes away from the TV’s slow-motion instant replay when a guy gets taken down. Rugby’s a sport that we all love to watch, but only an elite few are hardcore enough to play — and for that I crown them with this one-of-a-kind song.
