Ever sit alone in the dark and wonder who will replace Arnold Schwarzenegger once he has passed on to a better place? What will happen when those once-bulging biceps have succumbed to the wilting effects of gravity and his formerly glistening mane has begun to thin under the immense pressures of being the one and only Governator? Qualm your fears, my fellow Californians, because the second coming is here — and his biceps bulge afresh.
Girly Men: Forget “I’ll be back”; meet “Be prepared.” Vin Diesel (center) builds his resume in anticipation of serving as next governor of California.
Vin Diesel has always shown signs of worthiness toward replacing our beloved Arnold, but these have never been so apparent as in “The Pacifier.” Diesel triumphantly recreates Schwarzenegger’s “big-time agent unwillingly assigned to job involving cute children who end up breaking his steel exterior and warming his masculine heart” role from 1990’s “Kindergarten Cop” — it’s even similarly packaged in a kid-infested DVD cover on which the Ahnold and Vin seem to be wearing exactly the same pair of shoes. “The Pacifier” was even released amidst testosterone-charged trilogies “XXX” and “The Chronicles of Riddick,” suspiciously imitating Arnold’s artful interruption of his “Terminator” legacy.
If Diesel is trying to hide a slow takeover, he’s not doing a very good job: The actor is a blatantly un-girly man with an otherworldly voice and a well-masked interest in California’s politics. We know your secret, Vinny. You can stop pretending to be just another piece of man meat; your fate has been realized, and you’ve obviously got what it takes to become the next brawny brain behind the magnificent Golden State.
