Writer’s Note: this article was written prior to Sunday’s Week 4 games.
Every NFL fan believes their team can win the Super Bowl. After 3 weeks, however, it’s evident that every team falls into one of 3 categories: contenders, pretenders, and hapless, hopeless piles of trash.
The Guardian overreacted to the first 3 weeks of the NFL season, categorizing each NFL team into the 3 categories mentioned above. Find your team below.
AFC North
Steelers, Contender: T.J. Watt is the best defensive player in the NFL. Russell Wilson may never see the field again. Pittsburgh plays an ugly brand of smash mouth football, and it could win the AFC North.
Bengals, Pretender: Cam Taylor-Britt should stop talking and just play football. Cincinnati always starts slow, but 0-3 is concerning.
Ravens, Contender: Derrick Henry and Lamar Jackson are DANGEROUS. Baltimore could be 3-0 but collapsed against Las Vegas and fell a toenail short against Kansas City.
Browns, Trash: The Browns are the worst 1-2 team in the NFL. Deshaun Watson’s agent may have pulled off the greatest heist in NFL history. Cleveland is in trouble.
AFC East
Bills, Contender: Josh Allen might win the MVP without Stefon Diggs crying in his ear. It feels like everyone in Buffalo took a big sigh of relief this offseason. The Bills are poised for a deep playoff run.
Jets, Contender: Aaron Rodgers looks sharp and New York has high hopes, but can the Jets stay healthy? The election is approaching too, so let’s hope Rodgers can stay focused on football. So far, so good.
Dolphins, Pretender: No Tua, no playoffs. Jaylen Waddle, De’Von Achane, and Tyreek Hill are dynamic, but without their lefty quarterback and his fragile skull, Miami is inept on offense.
Patriots, Trash: Dear Jerod Mayo, do not put Drake Maye behind that offensive line. He will die.
AFC West
Raiders, Trash: Free Maxx Crosby and Davante Adams. The Raiders are tanking for Cam Ward.
Chargers, Contender: Harbaugh knows how to win, but Justin Herbert needs to stay healthy. J.K. Dobbins can tote the rock, and Los Angeles’ offensive line is elite. Who’s got it better than the Chargers? Nooobody.
Broncos, Trash: Bo Nix and Zach Wilson are elite quarterbacks (said no one ever). The Broncos stink.
Chiefs, Contender: Patrick Mahomes and Andy Reid are here to stay. They might not lose a game all year.
AFC South
Titans, Trash: Will Levis is must-see TV. He’s also the reason the Titans stink. Pray for Brian Callahan.
Jaguars, Trash: The Jaguars can’t stop a nosebleed, and Trevor Lawrence is 0-8 in his last 8 games, dating back to last season. Doug Pederson is on the hot seat.
Colts, Pretender: Anthony Richardson can throw a 70-yard touchdown but not a 10-yard checkdown. The Colts’ defense can’t stop the run, and fans want Gus Bradley out of town.
Texans, Contender: Houston will run away with the AFC South. C.J. Stroud has emerged as an elite quarterback in just his 2nd year, and Houston’s defense is complete on all three levels.
NFC North
Bears, Trash: The Bears should have drafted Jayden Daniels. Chicago cannot run the football. The Bears will hang their hat on the defensive side of the ball.
Vikings, Contender: Kevin O’Connell can turn water into wine, Sam Darnold might be Tom Brady reincarnated, and Minnesota’s defense is the best in the NFL under Brian Flores. Everything’s coming up aces for the Vikes. SKOL.
Packers, Contender: Matt LaFleur is an offensive guru, Malik Willis is dynamic, and Green Bay’s defense is ELECTRIC. Xavier McKinney (3 interceptions in 3 games) was the best defensive acquisition in free agency this year.
Lions, Contender: The Lions still have their GRIT. Dan Campbell eats kneecaps for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. David Montgomery and Jahmyr Gibbs are still bell cow and thoroughbred, respectively.
NFC East
Eagles, Pretender: Someone tell Nick Sirianni that he can kick a field goal. Jalen Hurts doesn’t know what color jersey the Eagles wear. Nonetheless, Philadelphia keeps winning (somehow).
Cowboys, Pretender: Dallas still can’t win the big game, and their defense is an embarrassment.
Commanders, Contender: Jayden Daniels will win OROTY. Dan Quinn and his backwards hat have the defense flying around the field. The Commies are here to stay.
Giants, Trash: Malik Nabers is an alien, but the Giants stink. New York should consider a change at QB, general manager, and uniform selection. Their throwback uniforms are outrageously grotesque and should be banned.
NFC West
49ers, Pretender: Kyle Shanahan is already in Super Bowl form after a blown lead against the Kupp and Nacua-less Rams. The 49ers overpaid for Brandon Aiyuk and have deeply missed Christian McCaffrey. San Francisco’s defense is dreadful, and the injury bug has run rampant in their locker room.
Rams, Pretender: The Rams are also plagued by injuries. Matthew Stafford has no receivers, even less blocking, and is in dire need of Cooper Kupp’s expedited return.
Cardinals, Pretender: Arizona will go as far as Kyler Murray takes them (but only until the new Call of Duty comes out). Marvin Harrison Jr. is a future Hall of Famer, and James Conner can tote the rock, but Arizona is too inconsistent.
Seahawks, Contender: Mike Macdonald and the Seahawks are BUZZING. DK Metcalf is running past DBs, and Geno Smith’s career has been revived. The Hawks are FLYING. Don’t write back, Geno.
NFC South
Panthers, Trash: Andy Dalton is the best quarterback in the NFC South at 36 years young, but the Panthers were in talks to be relegated to college football just last week. Let’s not kid ourselves: the Panthers stink.
Falcons, Pretender: The Falcons are average. Not good, not bad. Average.
Saints, Pretender: If there was a picture next to the word ‘pretender’ in the dictionary, it would be of the Saints logo. Derek Carr’s monster games in Weeks 1 and 2 were snake oil.
Buccaneers, Contender: Baker Mayfield has finally found a home, and Tampa could win the division for a 4th consecutive year. Shake and Bake.
