The crisp morning dew, the smoke from a fresh fixin’ of brisket, the cleansing scent of Tide: There are many sweet smells in this world, my friends, but the sweetest is that of Texas Tea – gasoline. Some people spritz themselves in Diesel; I spritz myself in diesel. I can still remember the first time those precious fumes graced my pure toddler lungs through the crack of a window. It was a hot day, and I had just sold some plasma after kindergarten, so my mama had been kind enough to lower the window. Must’ve been a whole two inches, I reckon. The breeze was a precious gift as is, but the ambrosia of Premium 91 had swept me away. From that day on, gasoline became my crude companion, my petroleum pal.

In light of recent events, I must invoke upon my sacred duty to defend the honor of gasoline from the anti-huffing propaganda of the American Health Society by any means necessary. Gasoline smells as great as America is, don’t get it wrong. But I’d like to know just how many of these “researchers” have had even one good sniff. I believe it was a fellow by the name of Aristotle who said that men are more swayed by fear than reverence. Stop taking some scientists’ fear-mongering to heart and have respect for yourself – put their lies and your courage to the test. We must be critical of what we learn and why. If we don’t question those in power, we are sowing the seeds of tyranny.

Go to the nearest corner with a gallon gas canister and fill ‘er up. After finding yourself a nice spot to inhale (or possibly collapse), brace your nose. The trick here is moderation. Breathe in too much and you might just knock out. If you ask me, that’s a waste of $3.25. Too little and you may as well have just stayed home to rustle through the kitchen drawer for some Sharpies. Once you’re good and gassed –which is what we in the community like to call it – you’ll understand the joys of petroleum. A euphoric state of wide-eyed stupor will warm up your perspective on inhalants and a general muscle weakness will loosen you up after weeks of the quarter system’s relentless schedule.

The American Health Society isn’t looking to protect the interests of the people, but rather of big electric. Keep that in mind as they wax deceit on gasoline. I’ve got my eye on you, Tesla. My fellow students, loosen the shackles of inhibition and come join me in the Halliburton Haze.