Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. A&E will resume publishing normal content next week.
TODAY’S NUMBER ONES
Box Office: ‘Lizard Lizard Lizard: A Movie About Beavers’
Billboard Hot 100: ‘Generic Country Song #28562’ by Ella Langley
Billboard 200: ‘Synths All The Time. Ballads, Occasionally’ by Harry Styles
New York Times Best Seller List: ‘Now A Major Motion Picture: Ryan Gosling Edition’ by Andy Weir
TODAY’S NUMBER ONES, 10 YEARS AGO
Box Office: ‘Selina Kyle v Lois Lane: Dawn of Just Desserts’
Billboard Hot 100: ‘Twork Twork Twork’ by Rihanna feat. A gay man
Billboard 200: ‘I Don’t Know What You Mean, Hate Yourself, Not Sorry’ by Jusating Beebuah
New York Times Best Seller List: ‘Urban Fantasy Badassery #9’ by Patricia Brigg-adocious
IN MEMORIAM
Stuart the Minion (2010-2026)
Bob the Minion (2013-2026)
Kevin the Minion (2013-2026)
CHRONICALLY ONLINE
In line with the recent TikTok trend of CEOs eating their most popular dishes, Bob Iger recently feasted on the mouse formerly known as Mickey as his last act as CEO of the Walt Disney Company. When asked by The UCSD Guardian for comment, Iger replied with a smile on his face, “It’s a mouskameal! It tastes like hot dogs.” Let’s hope Minnie is spared from the bloodbath.
‘WE SHOULD ALL KNOW LESS ABOUT EACH OTHER’
New leaked clips may explain why the newest season of “The Bachelorette,” starring Taylor Frankie Paul, was canceled. The supposedly ex-Mormon was filmed rehearsing lines in the mirror while wielding an iron rod: “I’m a mommy, but I always say, spare the rod, spoil the child.” Combine this with footage of her “disciplining” her on-and-off partner Dakota Williams, and we’ve got the perfect candidate for a new season of “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.”
Coming soon to theaters near you: ‘The Summer I Turned Pirate And Ruined A Family — Again’
With “The Summer I Turned Pretty: The Movie” on the horizon, leaked plot details seem to reveal some shocking developments. It turns out that there’s a long-lost third Fisher brother, Brayden, who is vying for Belly’s affections. The show’s soundtrack has also undergone a complete overhaul; instead of featuring endless Taylor Swift needle drops, the dominant sound for this film will be 19th-century sea shanties, all performed live on set by Lola Tung herself.
TS13: The album that ended everything
In a move sending fans into full numerology mode, Taylor Swift has reportedly been teasing her 13th album through 13 days of hyper-specific clues, including color-coded posts for each era, captions with exactly 13 words, and carefully timed uploads at 1:13 am or 1:13 pm. Insiders claim the album closes every storyline she has ever written, literally ending her eras. Critics are calling it “a final, all-encompassing collapse of pop, math, and Swiftie obsession.”
Newly added CEO adds new minus to Disney+, divides fans
As his first step toward making Disney+ the brand’s “digital centerpiece,” newly-sentenced CEO Josh D’Amaro announced a miniseries format of four 15-minute episodes. Star licenses Marvel and “Star Wars” are to top the slate with shows “Big Wheel” and “Glup Shittos: A Star Wars Story.” The news came alongside a separate, quickly murmured announcement of another Disney+ price hike to $34.99 monthly. When asked for further detail, D’Amaro was heard, though barely, commenting, “gmmbbluh.”
Nooo don’t turn 55 your so sexy aha
After years of refusing to date someone with a fully developed frontal lobe, Leonardo DiCaprio paparazzi spotted making goo-goo eyes over a box of Animal Style Fries at In-N-Out with 54-year-old chiropractor Tate Sinset, who is three years his senior. “Meeting Tate was the happiest moment of my life,” DiCaprio said. “After winning my Oscar, of course.” Jury’s still out on whether this is a PR grab for DiCaprio’s next movie or the real deal.
‘Not enough straight women fans for the two of us’: Hollanov v. Franchaela
“Heated Rivalry” actors Wudson Hilliams and Sonnor Ctorrie (pronounced couture-y) have challenged “Bridgerton” actorines to a “Just Dance” dance-off to determine the winner of the heart of every single straight woman on Earth, minus Russia. During warmups, Hannah Dodd panicked to fans on the sidelines: “I was trained for ballroom dance, not battle!” Meanwhile, a wide-eyed Masali Baduza frantically rehearsed the Scottish stag to the blaring backdrop of “All The Things She Said.”
David Zaslav suspected of reveling in self-brutalization for marginal personal financial gain
Enthusiastically professing his respect for Warner Bros. as a long-standing institution, WBD investors watched, rapt, as CEO David Zaslav repeatedly and purposefully trod on the prongs of a rake. Between slaps of the farm implement’s handle into his teeth, he reaffirmed his commitment to the theatrical experience. The UCSD Guardian’s sources confirmed that they saw Zaslav pocketing a check from Big Rake — parent company: Nestle — for the sum of $94 bajillion and a pony.
Nintendo is coming for you (not clickbait)
In an escalation of its de facto war on everything, Nintendo announced it would be issuing cease and desist notices to anypony who has ever beheld a Nintendo product without first buying it. This includes, but is decidedly not limited to, people who played Nintendo games at friends’ houses, game reviewers, and Nintendo factory workers. The Guardian’s in-house medium has privately confirmed via restless spirits of Nintendo whistleblowers that one such notice will be imminently presented to this publication.
‘I was like, I’m dead’: Where is Jim Carrey?
Facelifts can’t hide everything, can they? After unveiling a new face and personality at the 51st César Awards ceremony in Paris back in February, “Jim Carrey” has confessed that he is, in fact, a clone. A team led by Ace Ventura reportedly searched his solitary Maui estate for traces of the real Bruce Almighty, only to be greeted at the door by Carl “Yes Man” Allen, while the Grinch has taken permanent residence in the late Carrey’s personal volcano.
