Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. A&E will resume publishing normal content next week.

Oh, man. This is going to ruin the tour. It’s not clocking to you that he’s standing on business.

No, please, this is serious. Cut the cameras. We were all already mourning Timothée Chalamet’s pre-2024 long-hair, French-boy-yearner era when March 15 rolled around. After apologizing about his opera and ballet slip-up and finally growing out of his buzzcut rebrand — a canon event for men who feel the need to free themselves from society’s grasp — Michael B. Jordan took the Oscar right in front of his eyes. 

Just to clarify: This is not to say that the “Sinners” actor did not deserve the best actor win. But it is a terrible tragedy for Timmy fans, especially Club Chalamet, because if I’m being honest, I am not sure that he will ever return to his true self after yet another “comeback season.” It’s no use, Chalamet: You’ve forgotten your roots as a chill guy.

Let’s look back on how this all came to be, shall we? Chalamet was in his true prime — Leonardo DiCaprio’s “Titanic” and “Romeo + Juliet” type of prime — when he was first nominated in 2018 for playing Elio in “Call Me by Your Name.” I can still see it now: The twinkling eyes of a hopeful and unbroken 22-year-old actor ready to grasp gold. “Elio, Elio, Elio” seemed to echo in whispers around him. Timmy wore a simple white suit at the 2018 Oscars, symbolizing the purity of youth untouched by the disappointments of adulthood, and in every picture from the night, he has a wholesome, joyous smile. This was where he took his first hit from Hollywood, though, losing out to Gary Oldman for “Darkest Hour” — the first stain on his fragile ego and white wardrobe.

However, he didn’t let such dire straits bring him down — at first. From 2019 to 2023, we saw him yearn as Theodore “Laurie” Lawrence, mog as Prince Hal, brood as Paul Atreides, and sing as Willy Wonka — a perfect combination of romanticism, composure, and whimsy, if you ask me. Chalamet’s aesthetics became visually elevated as well; his auraful visit to the 2022 Oscars is often hailed as his best look. We loved him back then, and he loved us. It was a mutually exclusive relationship. We were happy.

But then, 2024 rolled around: the year before the iceberg sank the unsinkable. The actor had delivered an exquisite performance as Bob Dylan in “A Complete Unknown,” which put him in the running for a second Oscar nomination against giants like Adrien Brody and Ralph Fiennes. As we all know, the people love an underdog, and hopes were certainly high after Chalamet grasped the Actor Award right before the 2025 Oscars. Despite cutting his hair to a dangerously short length, Chalamet still had that ingénue glow.

Gosh, it’s all coming back to me now. I knew something would go wrong when Chalamet showed up in a yellow suit to the ceremony. The white was now perceptibly stained; it was as if we all saw the orange coming right after. And his eyes — oh, his eyes — they darkened when Brody walked on stage to accept his award. With every passing second toward the five-minute-and-40-second mark during Brody’s speech, Chalamet sank deeper into his seat. I could already sense the razor approaching his luxuriously-maned skull. The Honeymoon Phase? Dead and buried.

Timothée no longer had that chic accentuated “e” when he reemerged for “Marty Supreme” press toward the end of 2025. It was nightmare fuel for Chalamaniacs; filming for “Dune: Part Three” required him to shave his head, he had acquired an ostentatious taste for fashion, and his ego was inflated beyond repair. He had glasses, too, and the eyes behind them were not human at all. The “Interstellar” extra’s formerly restrained persona was replaced by something unrecognizable and quite monstrous. That “Beautiful Boy”? Poof. Vanished. Gone. Chalamet’s comment about ballet was just the cherry on top — Steven Spielberg had to avoid him on the Oscars red carpet for that one.

So, to summarize, we — meaning Hollywood and its prodigal son Timothée — were no longer on speaking terms going into the 2026 Oscars ceremony. In an attempt to apologize and retake his frontrunner spot, he wore white again as a reminder of who he was at the 2018 Academy Awards. But come on — we can all sense a wolf in sheep’s clothing. 

I’m not the type to forget, either, Timmy. Your character in “Little Women” — and, by extension, you — promised us: “I will! I’ll wear my best silk!” But you didn’t, Timothée. You didn’t. Hey, men, heed my warning. Take this goateed Paul Atreides off those comeback moodboards.

Now, after losing to Jordan, Roman really is looking for his revenge. He’s got us “scared, shook, panickin,” according to the Nicki Minaj lyrics. His “Dune” Instagram story the next day that depicted an atrociously self-serious face perhaps confirmed the worst: Timothée is gone. Utterly shattered. Whoever that is replacing “Marty Supreme”-era Timmy scares me even more. You’re excited for hot girl summer? Ha. I’m anxiously awaiting Dunesday December.

This fallen angel has lost his wings. As is engraved on the Gates of Hell in Dante’s “Inferno,” “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here” — here being Chalamet’s next era.

In all seriousness, though, we love you, Timothée. We just miss you at your happiest. LOL.