Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Sports will resume publishing normal content next week.

In Game 4 of the NBA Eastern Conference semifinals on May 12, Jayson Tatum went down with a brutal tear in his right Achilles tendon. NBA fans were horrified by the Green Mamba’s injury, praying for a speedy recovery and a healthy return. 

Tatum blew past fan expectations, posting videos of himself practicing on the court just four months later in September. His recovery was nothing short of superhuman, leaving fans questioning how Tatum was back “in the lab” despite the strenuous 10-month rehabilitation ahead of him. 

Soon after, esteemed NBA journalist Pablo Escoball theorized about Tatum’s rehab process on TikTok. While other, less knowledgeable people questioned if Tatum dabbled in modern stem cell biotechnology or other advanced means of medical phenomena, Escoball hypothesized — with dutiful logic beyond average comprehension — that Tatum orchestrated the assassination of right-wing podcaster Charlie Kirk in order to steal his Achilles tendon. 

The motivation and timeline simply make too much sense. Kirk was a 6-foot-5-inch former basketball player, honing a toned, near-perfect Achilles tendon for the 6-foot-8-inch NBA star to take. Furthermore, Kirk was killed in Utah on Sept. 10, just 17 days before Tatum posted his video “Back On Court” to YouTube. 

The 17-day period would’ve given Tatum ample time to fly to Utah, take the Achilles, get the surgery, and become accustomed to the new apparatus before filming his vlog. 

While Escoball’s theory may sound insensitive, outrageous, or just plain offensive, it has been gaining more traction these past few months because of Tatum’s latest public outbursts. 

The headlines have been overwhelming, from Tatum publicly participating in the Oct. 14 “I am Charlie Kirk” day to him now lambasting the online comedian Druski for his recent “How Conservative Women in America act” skit.

Tatum’s intrepid, out-of-character actions suggest a new development to Escoball’s theory — that Tatum is being possessed by the vengeful spirit of Kirk, which has been smuggled into his system via the Achilles tendon.

The timeline

Oct. 14, 2025

Tatum posted a three-story sequence on Instagram. First was a selfie at a local Boston Starbucks with the caption “#CarryTheFlame.” Approximately two minutes later, he posted a second story, a photo of him sipping on a drink brandishing a label that read “Mint Majesty, 2x Honey” under the name “Charlie Kirk.” 

Eight hours later, Tatum reposted an Instagram reel by @barstoolsports depicting a Starbucks bystander’s point of view as Tatum proceeded to order his drink, telling the barista, “I am Charlie Kirk,” when prompted to give a name for the order.

Nov. 3, 2025

Tatum took to Twitter, posting 15 tweets within 12 hours targeted at Vice President JD Vance. This spree came after Vance visited Kirk’s widow Erika Kirk at a Turning Point USA event at the University of Mississippi. Vance was photographed hugging Erika Kirk, with many pointing out the promiscuous nature of their embrace.

Tatum was part of this crowd, aggressively shaming Vance for “exploiting an emotionally distressed grieving wife.” The most popular of Tatum’s tweets was a doctored photo of Vance depicted as a plump, rosy-cheeked child with a striped shirt and propellor hat. Tatum captioned the post: “A boy like this should never touch a godly woman like Erika.”  

Tatum deleted all 15 tweets the next day, and has declined to answer any questions about the incident. 

December 2025 to March 2026

Through this four-month period, Tatum uploaded — and later deleted — numerous posts about the current political landscape in the U.S. Tatum espoused his right-wing political beliefs on all platforms, including an archived 20-minute video posted to his YouTube account where he touched on topics such as Immigration and Customs Enforcement and Donald Trump’s war in Iran. 

Tatum made it incredibly clear to the audience that the Trump regime has his full support, calling forth for other conservative NBA players in hiding to join his crusade against “the woke left.”

March 6, 2026

Tatum returned onto the court for his first game back since his injury. He put up 23 points, nine rebounds, and five assists in 34 minutes as the Boston Celtics beat the Dallas Mavericks 120-100. Tatum was on a hot streak, shooting a perfect 9 for 9 from the field, including three 3-pointers. 

However, with 20 seconds left in the final quarter, Tatum rocketed the ball straight into the backboard from the logo without the slightest remnant of an arc in his shot. In a postgame interview, multiple reporters asked about his final shot. Tatum just repeated his answer, “Just look at the numbers, I was honoring my hero.”

Many fans assumed that Tatum was honoring Kobe Bryant, making nine shots as a reference to Bryant’s 2013 9-point game after he returned from his own Achilles rupture. However, some speculated that Tatum was referring to himself shooting 9-10 from the field, a tribute to Kirk’s Sept. 10 assassination. 

March 15, 2026

The day after the Celtics beat the Washington Wizards in Boston, reports came out that Tatum flew with the opposing team back to Washington D.C. without a stated reason. A few hours later, TMZ published a photo collection of Tatum meeting Erika Kirk for dinner in downtown D.C.

March 26, 2026

Tatum posted 43 enraged tweets that are still up about Druski’s recent bit. Viewers have drawn numerous comparisons between Druski’s character in the skit and Erika Kirk, pointing out the similarities in the way they look, dress, and the political points they bring up. 

This skit had Tatum fuming, calling the comedian “unbearably obnoxious,” “downright shameful,” and “one of the unfunniest people to ever walk this Earth.” Druski liked and retweeted every single one of Tatum’s tweets, calling it “the funniest [s—]” he’s ever seen.