Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Lifestyle will resume publishing normal content next week.
You wake up at 6 a.m. on a Monday to the dulcet tones of the “Old Car Horn” alarm — an entire two hours early for your Math 140B lecture! You’ve decided that today is going to be a day of socializing because you reached an all-time low last week when someone actually dove over rows of chairs in the lecture hall to avoid chatting with you after class. It is pitch black outside, so turn on that fluorescent overhead light so that your roommate can see how radiant and ethereal you are. Before you change, give them a quick kiss to communicate that they are loved.
You get ready quickly to allow for some suite-bonding time — good on you for trying to make friends! Go on YouTube for some 2000s Britney Spears karaoke. Volume should be all the way up when you begin in the living room — bonus points if you have a microphone! All your suitemates will come flocking, and yeah, they look angry, but that’s just because of the mold infestation in your bathroom. Before setting off for class, don’t forget to help your roommates take out the trash by generously tying up the old trash bag and placing it in front of their door. Don’t worry about putting a fresh bag in there — it’s most enjoyable when you have to carry the whole bin out to the dumpster, coated in an unidentified crust at the bottom.
It’s 7:55 a.m. now, so it’s the perfect time to order breakfast from Counter Culture. It will absolutely be ready on time, so trust the Housing Dining Hospitality staff when they say that they’re working on it. Get an everything bagel so that when you’re hungry later, you can snack on all the sesame and poppy seeds that get stuck in your teeth. All your friends-to-be in your upcoming lecture will love the garlicky aroma on your breath; it’s a great conversation starter.
After your lecture in York Hall, sink deeper into your seat and get a little rest. It’s been a hard 50 minutes, so you deserve it. The vibes are fantastic: projector off, lights dimmed, and potentially the smallest desk in the universe to rest your head on. Don’t mind the people tripping over you trying to get out of your row. They were too busy staring at your angelic face to focus on their feet, you little Sleeping Beauty. Someone may even leave a note with their Instagram, only slightly smeared by your drool, signaling another friendship!
If the seeds from your everything bagel didn’t hold you over, fret not — today, lunch is free. All you have to do is walk around Ridge Walk until you find the orange beacon — the infamous carrot traipsing through campus providing students with free carrots. You can either take one, or simply bite into him for some bonus nutrients. Biting the Carrot Man may signal to him that you’re open for friendship, bonding, and even love. No need for YakMatch when you can just nibble your crush.
That boost of beta-carotene energizes you, so you decide to go to office hours in the Applied Physics and Mathematics Building basement for the first time to prepare for your midterm. On your walk over, deep dive into your professor’s research. They will absolutely love it if you can prove how their research is either insignificant or wrong because it gives them the opportunity to redo their entire thesis! The flickering basement lighting kind of gives “All The Things She Said” from “Heated Rivalry” vibes, so you’re in the mood to flirt. You must be sick of people who know what touse means, so it’s time to move on to those who know ‘67 as their birth year. Office hours are the new Hinge, and after all, you took this class solely because their Rate My Professors referred to them as a “salt and pepper DILF.” If you nail this conversation, you could really have an enemies-to-lovers, grumpy x sunshine, forbidden romance, age-gap love, power-imbalance arc.
That conversation got heated when you pulled out your edited copy of their research, and not in the hot and sweaty way that you wanted. You realize you’re running late for your next class, but the best shortcut is jogging through the bike lane. Dodging the oncoming scooter traffic is a phenomenal workout to test your reaction time. If you’re lucky, one of them might even invite you to join them for a ride. Couples that ride together will also ride together later, if you catch my drift. Look at you with your roster. You’ve got a carrot, a professor, and a scooter babe.
The academic grind hasn’t stopped yet, though; that singular carrot from earlier is still fueling your brain enough for a study session. Destination: Geisel Library, Floor 8. When you arrive, everyone around you is dead silent and looking rather glum, which means that they’re waiting for a performance. Release everything you have bottled up. Dance, sing, run, cry, kiss everyone, and channel your inner Demi Lovato in “Camp Rock.” You have so much talent to give to the world, so share it all. What better way to liven the place up and score potential friends than to perform? Bonus points if you can find someone taking TDAC 1 to perform with you.
Once security has removed you from Geisel, you must visit every adoring fan on Library Walk. They all want your autograph, so walk the runway, visit every booth, smile at everyone you meet. You were born for stardom. You should also look for a hammock that is occupied by someone who looks really comfy. Lay down right on top of them and ask if they want to watch “365 Days” with you. Everyone at this school is touch-starved, so this will create a beautiful bond between the two of you.
It’s almost the end of the day, and you’re feeling a bit peckish. Time to head back to your favorite dining hall, Al Dente, known for its generous portions and gourmet Italian cuisine. Go around to everyone’s tables and decide which food gets you going by sitting down and taking a bite. This is a really popular school tradition where we all steal each other’s food. Tell them that you’re a “munch” and they’ll understand that you’re participating and immediately befriend you.
You’re finally ready for bed. It’s been a long day of social milestones for you, so why stop now? I know that you’ve stalked your campus crush and know where they live and when they shower post-RIMAC visit. Who are we kidding? Your crush is definitely a Main Gym user. Put on your cutest pajamas and curl up in their bed. What a lovely surprise they are in for when they find you there. Go to sleep with a smile on your face knowing that you had a successful day at school filled with new friends, a full roster, and a potential suspension, a.k.a. fun break, on the horizon.
