Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Lifestyle will resume publishing normal content next week.
On a campus full of flavorless “food” like vegan black bean burgers, one culinary expert — Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. — decided to forge a new path. RFK Jr. opened The Best Restaurant in the World at UC San Diego in 2026 and exclusively employs people who identify as carnivores but refuse to conform to the liberal nonsense of pronouns. Before his tenure as the top health official in the country, RFK Jr.’s achievements included claiming vaccines cause autism, eating roadkill, and not having a medical degree. Inspired by the dead worm he shared a brain with, RFK Jr. is bravely worming his way through the culinary scene to show students the wonders of a “true American diet” — the clearly superior alternative to the inedible trash we call Roots.
The Best Restaurant in the World is imbued with Make America Healthy Again values of prioritizing pure protein over grains and greens. Characterized by quintessential “American” dishes that would make the Founding Fathers powder their wigs with glee, the restaurant offers a variety of options carnivores will love, free of the toxin-filled pasteurized milk that liberals love.
The Best Restaurant in the World claims that “the food will make you feel like a caveman.” As someone who always dresses up as a caveman for Halloween and has a portrait of RFK Jr. on my dorm wall, I decided to try four menu items and rank them with my Caveman Meter. This meter ranks each dish based on how close it gets one to feeling physically and spiritually transformed into a caveman who just wrestled a fish, discovered fire, and briefly considered inventing agriculture.
- Cookies and coffee
While I initially felt excited as I sat surrounded by bear head mounts, this dish unfortunately felt like it was going to indoctrinate me into adopting the woke values of counting numbers and expressing empathy like Cookie Monster and all his muppet friends do. I’m baffled that The Best Restaurant in the World even offers cookies and coffee — perhaps to appeal to the liberals in San Diego and lure them in to experience the euphoria of a carnivore diet. I don’t know why, but I do know that no caveman was eating carbohydrate-infested cookies or drinking sugar-plagued coffee.
This dish could’ve fared better had it been made with ground beef instead of cookie dough and beef tallow chunks instead of chocolate chips — that’s an authentic caveman dessert.
Caveman Meter: 0/5
- Metabolic-Boosting Medley
Has all the sugary boba tea you’ve been drinking wrecked your metabolism? Is your mitochondria weakening because of a carrot’s sweetness? Worry not, The Best Restaurant in the World serves up a salad made with kale, cucumber, eggs, and chicken. It is built to enhance your metabolism and strengthen your mitochondria … or something like that. While the endeavor reflected RFK Jr.’s commitment to bettering our bodily functions, the dish itself was lacking.
The restaurant tried to overpower the bitter taste of vegetables by packing it with juicy hard-boiled eggs and grilled chicken, but the overwhelming amount of kale and cucumbers tainted the purity of the meat in the same way a vaccine pollutes the purity of my body. Much to my dismay, endlessly munching on leaf after leaf made me feel more like a caterpillar unable to grow than a big and strong caveman. And who needs greens? I haven’t had fiber in years, and my mitochondria could bench press 200 pounds.
Caveman Meter: 2/5
- The USS
This dish stands for United Sardines and Sauerkraut. Canned sardines boast a perfect, meaty, and oily flavor — just what one needs after a long day of studying. They were paired deliciously with sauerkraut handmade by RFK Jr. himself, who is a fiend for ferments and is known to carry sauerkraut everywhere. One day, I hope to bring sauerkraut touched by his hands into an Olive Garden.
As I ate, I was possessed by a prehistoric fisherman who had just wrangled the catch of his life and taken the most satisfying chunk out of it. Simultaneously, I felt as though I became one with the fish and experienced the overwhelming urge to follow RFK Jr.’s outing and take a long swim in Rock Creek, which definitely doesn’t have sewage in it. That’s a hoax.
It’s also important to note that these sardines didn’t come with any crackers, so you can enjoy that fishy taste without any carbohydrate nonsense coming between you and your feast!
Caveman Meter: 4/5
- The Healthy Birthday Special
RFK Jr. must have written “My steakshake brings all the boys to the yard” when creating this incredible dish. The Healthy Birthday Special featured New York strip steak paired with a RAWMilkshake. Could you ask for something more caveman-core than tender beef and straight-from-the-teat milk?
After eating this, I believe there’s no better way to celebrate a birthday. I mean, what would you rather do: visit all the liberals in NYC with all their high-gluten pizzas and high-sugar iced coffees, or chomp on a luxurious and nutritious New York strip steak right here? To add to the appeal, the candles were made with beef tallow and could be eaten as a bonus snack.
To wash the steak down, nothing beats the RAWMilkshake. The ideal drink for this sunny weather, the RAWMilkshake came with whipped raw cream and offered three topping choices: bacon, an egg, or sprinkles. Now this is what a traditional milkshake should be!
Caveman Meter: 5/5
For students looking to embrace their inner caveman, The Best Restaurant in the World is sure to dazzle your taste buds. I can attest that I left the restaurant’s red, white, and blue walls feeling divinely satisfied, the sweet and righteous flavor of raw milk lingering on my taste buds.
