Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Features will resume publishing normal content next week.

Housing Dining Hospitality black mold: Umi Oceanview

Umi Oceanview, a second-year student working in Housing Dining Hospitality, tragically passed away last week at the age of 19 after inhaling black mold. Oceanview reportedly encountered the mold while working the dishroom shift at popular dining hall 64 Degrees.

Oceanview, known as the “Dishroom Warrior” by many of her colleagues, was scheduled to fight on the dishroom front lines during a double shift. At around 2 p.m., she unknowingly opened a Triton2Go box filled with what the forensic report identified as “the worst case of black mold the forensic team has ever seen. … It had to be two quarters worth of mold.”

After inhalation, Oceanview went into a fetal position and died instantly. When closing staff discovered the body 10 hours later, authorities were immediately called to the scene.

A select few employees at the establishment were devastated by news of Oceanview’s passing, while others expressed frustration with Oceanview for not completing the assigned work, as her death defied the kitchen’s team etiquette rules.

Oceanview was exactly one day away from receiving her biweekly paycheck; reports claim it had an estimated value of $57 due to Oceanview being a no-show, despite her celebrated reputation as a dishroom warrior.

The student who dropped off the toxic waste is yet to be identified, and authorities admit their only lead is that the student was “nasty as hell.” Local HDH workers fear they might be next.

Oceanview’s memorial is scheduled for Wednesday at the 64 Degrees outdoor dining patio.

Student found dead in woods: Arther Xing

First-year student Arther Xing was found dead the night of March 20 in the heart of UC San Diego’s Eucalyptus Grove after an intense search for a romantic getaway with a rumored whispering tree.

According to close relatives of the deceased, Xing was heavily enamored with the 1,000-yard stretch of woods on campus, specifically with a whispering eucalyptus tree that Xing proudly proclaimed to be in a “special relationship” with.

Following the sound of the tree’s sweet whispers, Xing regularly hiked through the shrubbery at night to meet with his sturdy lover, often spending hours conversing and climbing the frail branches. It did not take long for Xing to find himself stranded, and he would ultimately succumb to California’s freezing temperatures.

According to forensics, Xing’s body was two weeks into decomposition and found cheating on his eucalyptus lover with another, cuddling what police identified as a birch tree.

Struck by a scooter: Miles A. Head

Fourth-year Miles A. Head died on Friday at the age of 21 after jumping into the bike lane in an attempt at insurance fraud and being struck by a local electric scooterist.

According to the accident report, the incident could have been a valid insurance claim if Head had lived. However, with the perpetrator scooting away from the scene and leaving Head in a position resembling the “Peter Griffin falling down the stairs meme,” that report would never see the light of day.

Head was a devious young mind, and his recent loss has left the community feeling neutral. He was notorious for his recent involvement with over 30 other insurance accident claims, ranging from bus runovers to slips down flights of stairs.

While many insurance companies report being relieved at this loss of threat, students like second-year Seymore Money praise Head for his work, glorifying his grind mindset for “getting that bag” and demanding that UC San Diego honor his legacy.

However, Head’s last few insurance claims involving the school leave many wondering if the institution will just celebrate with the insurance companies and enjoy another payout.

Due to the severity of injuries, Head’s funeral will be a private viewing for friends and family. The community may pay its respects at UCSD’s new e-scooter statue at the site of the incident.

A biology student dies after drinking too many energy drinks: Julian Cramfield

Second-year student Julian Cramfield was found dead in a corner of UC San Diego’s Geisel Library after pulling three all-nighters in a row to study for an upcoming organic chemistry final.

Autopsy reports found 420,000 milligrams of caffeine embedded in his system, suggesting Cramfield passed away due to heart complications. Surrounding him at the scene were 69 empty energy drink cans, including Monster, Celsius, and Red Bull — and yet, not a single bottle of Logan Paul’s Prime Energy Drink.

According to family members, Cramfield was a general biology major who was “dedicated to the grind” and worked hard for what he loved doing: flunking biology.

“I always tell my students to die trying, but I don’t know why he did,” Cramfield’s organic chemistry professor, Kenji Durrance, said. “He had a 13% in my class.”

During the scene’s cleanup, officials discovered the contents of Cramfield’s laptop. His last indicators of life were a Google search which read “Jarvis, find me a girlfriend” and a dialogue on ChatGPT where he asked if a 200 BPM resting heart rate was bad.

When sharing their impressions of Cramfield, fellow students described him as a “chud.”