Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Lifestyle will resume publishing normal content next week.
Happy April! If you’ve been itching to escape your dorm room and soak up the sun, Lifestyle has your back with a bucket list full of fun ideas to make the most of this upcoming month. We encourage you to cut out this list and tape it to your wall next to your 2026 vision board or fold it up in your wallet for safekeeping.
☐ Try a different sex position on every floor of Geisel Library; start with missionary on Floor 1 East — just make sure to finish with doggystyle on Floor 8, so you can both take in the view!
☐ Treat yourself to a free meal; head to Scholar’s Italian at Ocean View Terrace and take somebody’s “Build Your Own Pizza.” You snooze, you lose!
☐ Figure out which college has the biggest you-know-whats by using Anwar White’s catching print method.
☐ Study up on YikYak slang; figure out who Joser really is.
☐ Go fishing at La Jolla Cove and catch a seal for dinner.
☐ Did your teaching assistant give you a bad grade on your last paper? Date them and rate their performance in the bedroom on the SETs; it’s finally your turn to give them a little feedback on their work.
☐ Build a tree house in the Talking Trees on Library Walk to house your “Breaking Bad”-style meth lab. Then, make some delicious meth brownies and put them out in your common room!
☐ Mario Kart, UC San Diego edition. Get on that spin scooter and mow down anyone in your path! Hitting freshmen is necessary, seniors are extra points. TAs? Triple the points. Professors? Boost yourself to first place!
☐ Shoplift a sex toy from Target and say you thought it was also Just Walk Out.
☐ Go to “Coffee with a Prof” and ask if they want to go back to their place or yours. You’re out for coffee — it’s literally a date.
☐ Convince incoming students at Triton Days that Epstein Family Amphitheater is named after THAT Epstein.
☐ Throw all the frat names into a hat, pull one name out, and report them. Repeat as you see fit.
☐ Hook up with someone off YikYak whose Yakarma is over 5,000, then post about it .
☐ Ask the employees at Student Health Services if the Condom Concierge kits come in XXXS. This school is about inclusivity, right?
☐ Go to Floor 8 of Geisel and blast everyone’s favorite AI-generated ballad, “We Are Charlie Kirk,” to channel Kirk’s spirit and create campus unity.
☐ Start a heated conversation with one of the political debaters in the free expression space on Library Walk about whether Trump was Elon’s top or bottom.
☐ Treat a date to some froyo! Sample every single flavor and topping from Yogurt World and, you know the drill, Just Walk Out. Major dom/alpha vibes.
☐ Plan a spontaneous date with someone off of r/UCSD, suggest you meet up at the lowest floor of Mandeville’s basement and have a candlelit dinner accompanied by a sensual ambience and a bit of wine.
☐ Go to The Hump at 12 p.m., yell “attention everyone,” and start humping the grass.
☐ Prank call a frat president and claim one of their members cheated on their partner in a public threesome. Ask for their comment.
☐ Practice tax evasion, don’t get caught, and flee to the Caribbean.
☐ Grab some art supplies from the UCSD Bookstore and spray paint a nude portrait of Earl Warren onto Bearl! Minimalism is sooo last year; he could use the makeover.
☐ Order the entire Taco Bell menu, then head over to your situationship’s residence hall to use their bathroom instead of exploding your own.
☐ Mr. Beast 24-Hour Challenge in Geisel! Thank you, William Simpson, for your service.
☐ Dress up as a piece of broccoli and challenge Carrot Guy to a duel at dawn to see who really is the true vegetable.
☐ Break into your roommates’ bedrooms and steal their possessions to sell on Depop for some extra cash.
