Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Lifestyle will resume publishing normal content next week.
It’s good practice to know your weaknesses, and we know UC San Diego’s: no school spirit. Every other major university is filled to the brim with pride, flaunted through campuswide traditions. Meanwhile, the most togetherness our campus shows is a collective flock to Reddit after a rough math midterm.
It’s time for a change, and we’re starting by implementing new UCSD traditions. As a STEM school, though, creativity isn’t our strong suit — instead, we propose to simply borrow other schools’ customs. We’ve compiled a list of our favorite traditions and, because Tritons don’t half-ass anything, exactly how we’re going to make them better. Make sure to study up because these all start this quarter!
STDSU — San Diego State University
If you’re a seasoned San Diegan, you’re well aware that San Diego State University has had some trouble beating the STD allegations for the past five, 10, 15 … well, forever. SDSU earned this nickname after a supposed syphilis outbreak in 2007, combined with its well-known reputation as a party school. Here on Triton turf, we don’t want to miss out on all the fun! This calls for necessary measures — UCSD has to start a 2026 STD outbreak. Whether it’s HPV’s genital warts or chlamydia’s swollen testicles, it’s going down. As of Spring Quarter, Student Health Services will no longer offer STI testing or HIV testing and the Condom Concierge is going out of business! Tritons will be rawdogging it instead. To ensure maximum outbreak and spread of infection, sex parties will also be held. They will take place across select on-campus locations: Floor 8 of Geisel Library, Fallen Star, Central Campus Station, Sun God Lawn, and the foyer of Chancellor Pradeep Khosla’s mansion. The contents of these parties speak for themselves. So, get your freak on, and start making love to as many people as you can!
Deltopia — UC Santa Barbara
The first weekend of Spring Quarter for UC Santa Barbara students means looking forward to the notorious Deltopia, a huge party on the street of Del Playa Drive. Instead of driving three hours for an overcrowded and cramped block party in Isla Vista, UCSD is taking to the local streets of Pacific Beach to debunk any leftover UC Socially Dead allegations. This year, police are cracking down on Deltopia, meaning it is the perfect chance for UCSD to out-rage UCSB. To get the most out of your weekend, students are encouraged to consume at the very minimum two bottles at 50% alcohol volume and try at least one kind of drug stronger than marijuana. The San Diego Police Department isn’t enough for us at UCSD, though — we’re aiming bigger. Let’s attract the attention of the FBI to party alongside us. You get 100 points if you can snap a fun selfie with an agent. Forget UCSB’s Deltopia — invite everyone from old situationships to chill professors and have a reunion right on the streets to see the new greatest volume of raging college students in one place.
Dragon Day and Big Sub — Cornell University and Barnard College
On the Friday before spring break, Cornell students gather to gawk at nerdy first-year architects as they parade around a massive dragon. Barnard College also assembles to eat a 750-foot sub sandwich. What do these two events have in common? They’re both mid. Luckily, we know just the trick to elevate these traditions: combine them. It’s time for UCSD to come together to create a hyperrealistic 750-foot statue of our current cherished Associated Student president — made out of sub sandwiches, of course. Our school spirit will be set ablaze as we all join in prayer to Sub God and fight amongst each other about who gets to consume the toes. Ideally, the sandwich statue will look so authentic that students will be trauma bonded together through the experience of feeling as though they are eating flesh. There is no better way to unite the student body than through patriotism to their government and energy that borders on cannibalism.
Undie Run — UCLA
UCLA holds their popular Undie Run the Wednesday of finals week, attracting thousands of students who jog across campus. The question on all our lips: Why is UCLA the No. 2 public university in the country and UCSD No. 6? The only plausible explanation is the lack of Undie Run spirit here. Sure, we have an annual Undie Run soft-launched on YikYak the night prior, but it’s hot and sweaty for all the wrong reasons: underwear. This year, we’re ditching the last layer and going bigger than the Bruins — full frontal nudity! Not only will you be cooler without your 100% cotton panties, it’s a great opportunity to see if you’ve been “catching print” successfully. Ditch your clothes and grab your hot RA; the route starts in Seventh College’s Game Room, loops through the Triton Alumni and Welcome Center, and finishes at the La Jolla Playhouse, providing a second show of the evening for the old timers heading to the valet. We know they aren’t getting that sweet, sweet, student discount, so we’ve got to make sure they come back and keep Dora Ristorante afloat. Rumor has it King Triton will be participating, and let’s just say … you’ve seen his trident, but you’ll be even more impressed by that tri-dihh haha.
Make-out Parties — Stanford University
Stanford’s infamous make-out parties are known as a breeding ground for first loves and as oral herpes. Down in San Diego though, we take it to another level, making our own version of the infamous Netflix original “The Kissing Booth.” Auction off your most TikTok thirst trap-worthy friend for a make-out session or two in exchange for some big bucks. If you’re feeling extra risque, enter yourself into the Jacob Elordi look-a-like contest and see if you can utilize your tongue in a kissing contest almost as raunchy as “‘Wuthering Heights.’” One could argue the moral implications of kissing strangers in return for money, but the Triton Kissing Booth isn’t a place to debate ethical dilemmas — it’s a space for all the fun-loving and somewhat shameless Tritons to engage in the highs and lows of college romance that they otherwise miss out on at UC Socially Dead!
