Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Lifestyle will resume publishing normal content next week.

As college decisions roll in, we decided to help any potential future Tritons looking to research the UC San Diego college they were admitted to. It’s your time to find out if you’re putting the Socially Dead or Sexy Diva in UCSD. If you’re not well-versed in Greek speak, “touse” refers to a top fraternity or sorority house, while “bouse” means bottom fraternity or sorority house. Pay attention, dear readers, as we rank our eight colleges from touse to bouse.

1. Earl Warren College

Earl Warren College, the happiest place on earth, touse … you’re probably wondering why we just said the same exact thing three times. This place is probably the closest you’ll get to Disneyland at UCSD –– like, literally. That’s how far north it is. Despite complete isolation from literally everything else on the entire campus, it’s hard to be lonely when the sweet canyon mice –– that’s Warrenator for rats –– pay you a visit. They inevitably will someday because they were bred by Mr. Warren himself, so we know they’re all about correcting injustices, like the loneliness epidemic in Warren. Don’t worry, though, Mickey and Minnie don’t bite! No need to reconnect with nature while in Warren because it will find its way to your room. For some –– like those in new Marshall –– B may stand for bouse, but not in Warren! The only B’s we know are bowls from 360, Bearl — our beloved bear statue in Warren Mall — and the bottomless black mold that comes complimentary with every room! What more could you ask for?

2. Old Thurgood Marshall College

Ah, old Marshall — it’s like seeing an ex. Toxic — from the mold — and familiar. It has smelled the same since construction in 1412, and sexy because it’s off limits –– mandated by the World Health Organization. Old Marshall really is for lovers, the voyeurs to be exact; the paper-thin walls are perfect for involving your neighbors in all your sexual encounters! If you’re living in old Marshall, expect rustic crumbling staircases, whistling winds, and echoing drums from the Pangea Parking Structure drum circle, everything to set the stage for your “Wuthering Heights”-level sneaky link. You’re certain to find your Heathcliff in your residence hall; all the hotties live in old Marshall. Hotties, as in people who are literally burning to death in their dorms because, of course, only new Marshall got the ceiling fans. If old Marshall’s deeply romantic aura doesn’t resonate with you, then surely Ocean View Terrace, the only place on campus with affogatos, being just steps away from the dorms will help.

3. Revelle College

Maybe age is more than just a number — this list is definitely proof of that. To respect our elders, we have to place Revelle, UCSD’s oldest college, in the top three. If the ambience of Umi or the mouthwatering ice cream from Triton Grill don’t do it for you, Revelle’s general education requirements definitely will! Interested in super obscure, niche facts about ancient Greek theater? Well, then, Revelle is the perfect place for you, as it’s the only place on campus that offers such a course, let alone holds you at gunpoint to take it! Since everybody is bound to have some sort of useless class in York or Galbraith Hall during their UCSD career, Revelle is the one place on campus that is truly able to give you a blast from the past –– and not just because it’s older than your great grandma. It’s always fun bumping into your situationship from three quarters ago or people you went to high school with as you’re devouring a bowl from Taqueria in the middle of 64 Degrees. And who cares if you’re a 20 minute walk from RIMAC? The exercise you’re getting just from walking up and down all the stairs in literally every Revelle building is more than enough!

4. Eleanor Roosevelt College

You know her, you love her, you can’t live without her. Or maybe you can. ERC is truly like that one friend you hate on some days and are obsessed with on others because there’s never a dull moment with her. If you’re not busy memorizing useless historical terms that will never come up again in your entire life, then you’re probably deciding which prison-esque meal to order from Café Ventanas. Pro tip: it should never be the mac and cheese. But we’re sure you’re doing it with a smile on your face because you and all the other ERC students have formed a sort of trauma bond. Go give professor Chang a hug for us because you may not realize it now, but those MMW friendships are sure to last a lifetime — that is, until you die from mold ingestion or from part of your dorm’s ceiling crashing onto your head. Sure, you may be in what some would call the slums of UCSD, but it’s easy to turn this dismal reality into your dream vacation every day! Just walk into Asia or Africa Hall, and boom, you’re Mr. Worldwide. 

5. John Muir College

Picture “Divergent” meets your mom’s backyard garden. Muir’s ecobrutalist architecture is the definition of hit or miss. For every fan of the look, you’ll find a vehement hater who would like nothing more than to rip those vines off of the Applied Physics and Mathematics Building. Nonetheless, Muir sits in the perfect middle ground — on one hand, it has Middle of Muir Cafe, on the other, it’s closed for the foreseeable future. And sure, Muir housing assistants may sound like some of the most miserable people on campus, but in the process, they foster their own neighborhood that supposedly has the strongest community on campus! Because seriously, where else are you going to find a pride-themed bracelet making event or a free screening of “Five Nights at Freddy’s” on campus? The answer is nowhere because Muir students seem to have a yearning to be the wokest and coolest college — probably to combat all the racism allegations against John Muir. 

6. Sixth/Seventh College 

Sixth and Seventh College residents have a certain air of superiority to them. It’s about time we remind them they’re mere mortals like the rest of us, and the living conditions they flaunt are actually their demise. Seventh might have personal kitchens, but the college-aged kids and ovens combo is just a recipe for burnt-down buildings. Sure, they have Makai and Bistro, but what are good dining halls worth when those Triton2Go wait times never end? By the time your order is ready, you’re dead from malnourishment. ERC students might have to choke down their Ventanas mac and cheese, but at least they’re getting fed. “We have ocean views,” Sixth residents cry. “We’re neighbors with Gliderport!” Seventh protests. Yeah, well, when the great tsunami comes, you two will be the first to go. As a matter of fact, we hope that the fires start, the starvation strikes, and the tsunamis hit. Our campus is better off without Sixth and Seventh students’ condescension. Die, die, die.

7. Eighth College

Let us let you in on a little conspiracy — Eighth College residents are nothing more than top one percenter scum. There’s the Theatre District, with extravagant shows that make it to Broadway, Dora Ristorante, where the menu is so fancy we can’t even pronounce half its dishes, and even valet parking — are you serious? While the rest of the colleges slave away to capitalism, Eighth “students” — if you can even call them that, considering their lavish lifestyle — drop their Teslas and Porsches off at the valet every night and treat themselves to dinner and a show. Other colleges have nothing in common with this collective of the richest of the rich, and there’s nothing more bouse than hoarding the wealth. Enjoy your outdoor fireplaces and art installations while you can, Eighth. In the words of Karl Marx, “Let Eighth tremble at a communist revolution. Warrenators have nothing to lose except their chains.” Death to the bourgeoisie! 

8. New Thurgood Marshall College

We’re all for freedom of speech, except when it comes to new Marshall students, whose only personality trait seems to be bragging about Goody’s Marketplace. Double fridges, ceiling fans, endless amounts of school spirit, terrace views of the ocean, Scholar’s chicken pesto pizza, and the most desired dorm location on campus … if those don’t scream bouse, then we’re not sure what does. Maybe Goody’s spicy chicken sandwich that has enough spice to take out King Triton himself –– or the likelier outcome, start the next global pandemic. Or maybe it’s all those hour-plus wait times –– are we talking about OVT’s or the ones just to take the elevator down a couple floors, so you’re not late for lecture? Guess you’ll never know … but everyone else sure will because we all know your favorite conversation starter is how you got put in new Marshall. Sounds like cope to us. Plus, last time we checked, Warrenators didn’t have to fight like Katniss Everdeen just to get a seat in their own dining hall. 

If you disagree with any of our rankings, feel free to let us know by … just kidding! We don’t care what you think. We’re right, you’re wrong, and if you’re mad about it, it’s because you’re bouse. Suck it. Earl Warren College touse for life.