Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Features will resume publishing normal content next week.
In one of their finest efforts yet, the officiating crew (5826-0) was all over the court in their win against UC San Diego (30-5, 18-2 Big West) in the Round of 64 of March Madness. The Tritons entered the game having just won the Big West Conference championship, helped by a freak accident in the second half that caused senior Anteater center Bent Leuchten to forget how to play basketball. For the referees, tonight would be one of their biggest challenges, going up against a beloved underdog.
“That’s something we talk about before refereeing,” crew chief Ann Arbor said as The UCSD Guardian eavesdropped. “Everybody cheers for the lower seed. We knew it was coming and we just officiated with that.”
It was Arbor who led the charge for the crew, displaying her versatility with a mix of bad foul calls, questionable out-of-bounds decisions, and random hand motions to cause confusion. In one particular moment of brilliance, she refused to make an out-of-bounds call that would lead to a 3-pointer.
“We’re just trying to win,” Arbor said. “That’s what it came down to.”
It wasn’t just Arbor that was having a great game. Referee Vladislav Goldin chose not to call a late over-the-back foul that would’ve led to Triton free throws, a play that would prove to be key to the referee victory. Arbor was proud of the effort her crew displayed in the final few minutes.
“I look at our guys in the final five minutes,” Arbor praised. “Their awareness, their intensity, their determination is heightened at another level.”
As the final buzzer sounded, their supporters gave the guys in black and white a standing ovation. For UCSD, it was a tragic moment, especially for student journalists who wanted to wait two more days before having to board another Frontier flight. After the game, I spoke to a drunk Triton fan, sounding both wise and inebriated, who had a message for the officiating crew.
“The tears of King Triton may evaporate,” he said. “But your sins never will.”
