Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Features will resume publishing normal content next week.
Many patriotic Americans are lost and confused by the current political environment, lacking the time and energy to form their own beliefs. Reading Fox News articles, fact-checking Facebook posts, and listening to conservative podcasts simply takes too much brain power for the average voter. Now, with the click of a button, that is all about to change. In a White House press conference last Friday, Elon Musk announced that his company, Neuralink, will be releasing a series of brain chips in the coming weeks. Marketed toward President Donald Trump’s most loyal supporters, the chip utilizes AI technology to form political opinions, post on social media, and vote at polling stations on behalf of its users.
“This revolutionary technology will make politics much simpler,” Musk said. “Without having to think, you can show your support for our great President not only on social media, but even at the polls.”
The brain chip is self-insertable, and the installation process only takes 10 minutes. According to Neuralink, installation will include watching a series of Charlie Kirk videos and triggered liberal compilations. Afterward, the user can go about their day as the brain chip automatically responds to any criticism of Trump on X, formerly known as Twitter.
“This technology is amazing,” said Tucker Scott, a Trump supporter from Escondido who was one of the first to test the implant. “I had a busy day yesterday filling out unemployment paperwork after losing my job as an air traffic controller. But thanks to Musk’s genius, I was able to call out nine communists on my X account at the same time!”
According to recent surveys, the average Trump supporter spends three to four hours per day responding to liberal comments. Musk’s technology is set to save millions of hours in political engagement for the average American patriot. To add on, the brain chip will automatically put users in a catatonic state on Election Day, instructing users to drive to their nearest polling station and fill out their ballots for the Republican Party. “Voters think too much at the polls. We need to make it as simple as possible, and what’s more simple than a brain chip telling them what to do?” Musk said during the conference.
The software includes numerous other features, such as a proximity warning system for minorities and a trans radar. In a video posted to the official White House X account, Musk showcases how the brain chip alarms its users if a Hispanic or Black American is within a 1-mile radius and activates the “pearl-clutching” option. In addition, the brain chip uses facial recognition technology to warn users about suspicious bulges, identifying trans athletes five times faster than the average human.
However, the idea of self-operating Trump supporters brought up concerns with industry professionals. “There are numerous reports of users driving their Ford F-150s straight off a cliff when the self-voting mode is activated,” said Big Lier, a professor of political science, in an interview with The UCSD Guardian. “For unexplained reasons, farmers, working class Republicans, and small business owners are most likely to face this issue.”
Prior reports also indicated that a glitch led to a batch of tested subjects sympathizing with Bernie Sanders, delaying the brain chip’s rollout. Tested subjects would drive to Sanders’ rallies after reading negative news about Trump, confusing researchers who expected the subjects to go to a Chuck Schumer rally and leave with a sense of despair.
In response, Democrats have announced that they will escalate the fight against Trump. Senate Majority Leader Schumer said, “We will not bend the knee to Trump’s fascist takeover. The Democratic Party will be filing a serious complaint with the FCC. If Mr. Musk does not want to face a serious $1,000 penalty, he must stop rolling out the brain chip immediately.”
