DisreGuardian: Where to get engaged (to me) at UCSD

Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Lifestyle will resume publishing normal content next week.
Image by Samantha Phan on Canva,
Background image courtesy of @alyfamosocreative for @ucsdalumni on Instagram
Image by Samantha Phan on Canva, Background image courtesy of @alyfamosocreative for @ucsdalumni on Instagram

If you follow the alumni Instagram page, your feed (like mine) is probably filled with starry-eyed couples that met on everyone’s favorite dating app: the UC San Diego campus. Their posts feature a romantic meet-cute story alongside tender, loving photos of two people in love. Iconic spots like Geisel Library, La Jolla Shores, and Geisel Library at a different angle all make an appearance on this romance-filled account. Whenever I see these posts I immediately screenshot them and put them on my wedding Pinterest board as they are the perfect inspiration for my soon-to-be wedding day. 

Now you may ask, “Samantha, don’t you need to be in a relationship to get married?” 

Well, because of the absolute wasteland that was Valentine’s Day, as well as some drastic events that happened in my personal life (don’t ask!), I plan to get married as soon as possible, relationship or not. It does not matter to me who I’m doing it with; as long as I have the decadent engagement party, the crazy bachelorette party, and the big white wedding, I don’t care. So if you want to marry me, please buy that ring (minimum 50 carats) and find me at one of these spots. While some are certainly better than others, all will be perfect places for you to “pop the question” and start our love story. 

1. In front of the Panda Express at Price Center

They say that when something truly memorable happens, all of your senses in that moment will stick with you — the sights, the sounds, and even the goosebumps that prickle beneath your skin when they finally get on one knee. When I get engaged, I want that iconic Price Center smell — the combination of chow mein, beef and broccoli, and walnut shrimp — to stay with me for life. There is nothing more romantic than you, dear lover, getting down on that linoleum floor with smushed noodles and spilled drinks, and asking me to be your one and only for the rest of our lives. I’m usually here around lunchtime, so you can be sure that we will have absolutely no privacy. That way, there are more people to cheer on the sidelines when I say yes. Or, alternatively, if you’re really not a looker, boo when I say no. Either way, it will be a day to remember. 

2. The Main Gym Weight Room (by the floor mats)

As my future partner, something you should know about me is that I love hitting the gym. I am constantly on that grind, hammering out bicep curls, crushing deadlifts, and squatting up to forty pounds (bar included). So if you see me there absolutely demolishing my workout, don’t be afraid to tap me on the shoulder and take out that shiny diamond. I would prefer you do it by the floor mats as the machine area is too crowded for you to fully extend your leg into that “marry me” lunge. Plus, I love that decaying, smelly foam that cannot feasibly be washed. The dingy gray really brings out my eyes, and the spongy texture has just the right amount of spring to launch me into our future together. 

3. Geisel Study Rooms

I know these spots are a bit crowded, and there is no guarantee we will have any time to ourselves after the “big ask.” So if you want to court me in a little more privacy, may I recommend the Geisel study rooms. While I don’t like thinking about my future engagement in terms of convenience, I have to admit that accessing these intimate corners of the library is very easy. Start by getting up at 5 a.m. Week 1 of Fall Quarter and, if you’re lucky, you might be able to snag a spot during Spring Quarter Week 9. Once the big day comes, clear out all the trash (snack wrappers, tear-stained tissues, and other unspeakables) and wipe the most incomprehensible math problem to ever exist off the whiteboard. You now have the perfect blank slate for all of the romantic decorations you could ever need — rose petals, heart balloons, issues of The UCSD Guardian, you name it! Just make sure to send me that When2meet so I can make sure it fits into my schedule. 

So, dear lover, if you find me at one of these three campus spots I will almost certainly say yes to your proposal. I am sure that we will grow to love each other but, again, as I said, I literally just want to get married. I do not care to whom. So with those encouraging words in mind, I hope you have the courage to make that first big step forward and ask me to marry you. That “I do” is just around the corner or Muir College Lane — all you have to do is ask.

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About the Contributor
Samantha Phan
Samantha Phan, Lifestyle Associate Editor
Samantha is a third year literature and sociology student. When she isn't writing for the UCSD Guardian she is probably laying in bed.
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