Editor’s Note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Sports will resume publishing normal content next week.
After 40 whole days of retirement, legendary quarterback Tom Brady announced on March 13 that he would be returning to the NFL and playing for his 23rd season with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
Brady spoke on his decision to return after such a short retirement: “I could not believe that people took me seriously. I can’t deny that the admiration and praise I received, which I deserve darn near every day, was pretty nice, but it was all a joke. I can’t be around my family that much, attending the kids’ school plays and having to actually go Whole Foods shopping. I belong on a football field, where I have belonged since they told me my baseball career was a lost cause in high school.”
Following his decision, Brady’s wife and supermodel Gisele Bündchen was asked by reporters about her thoughts about her husband’s surprising announcement to return to the NFL.
“I have given up all hope. I tried in New England by making a deal with coach Bill Belichick to have him give Tom the least talented team possible in exchange for giving him some of Tom’s deepest secrets that he could use to berate Tom in front of the team after every loss. I tried again in Tampa by selling a part of my soul to the injury gods in order to have some of Tom’s best teammates miss parts of the season, and I even managed to have the Rams’ balls deflated during their divisional playoff game against the Bucs so Tom could lose and recall what it’s like to miss a Super Bowl. I thought I had him when he decided to retire in February and finally spare an ounce of his time with me and the kids, but following this decision, I don’t know what more I can really do.”
Brady’s decision to return did not catch too many players by surprise. Many players expressed their thoughts on the quarterback’s decision through Twitter, including Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers who shared on Twitter, “Good thing I got my money, cause ain’t no way ima be advancing in the conference with my father back in the fold.”
The Buccaneers are absolutely thrilled to have Brady back on the team, as many players and coaches feared that they would have to resort to one of either underdeveloped and subpar talented Kyle Trask, whom the Buccaneers only drafted last year in the case Brady ever got abducted by aliens or suffered a catastrophic injury, or even worse, having to trade for Jimmy Garoppolo.
Brady has recently revealed that beyond just his initial return for his 23rd season following the shortest retirement ever, he even plans to play for another 20 years.
When asked by reporters why he intends to play for such a longer amount of time, Brady responded by saying, “I figure that by the end of that 20-year time span, I would have not only cemented my name with permanent ink in all of the league’s record books, but I also will have won at least six more rings, forever quieting that stupid debate on who was more responsible for the Patriots’ success: me or Bill.”
As we now approach the end of the NFL free agency period and resume with summer training camps in roughly two months, players and coaches are now devising any sort of scheme they can in order to get rid of Brady once and for all.
The latest under-the-radar update on that scheme involves coaxing a return to the NFL from Brady’s kryptonite, the illustrious Eli Manning.
Image courtesy of WEBN-TV