DISREGUARDIAN: Students Claim Taco Bell’s Discontinuation of Nacho Fries is “The Most Influential Thing to Happen 2020”

Outrage broke out amongst UC S– D—- students after Taco Bell announced its discontinuation of Nacho Fries. 

Esther Thomas, Thurgood Marshall College junior, spoke on this discontinuation in an interview with the UCSD Guardian.

“I’ve been holding on through 2020,” Thomas said. “I held on through the wildfires in Australia, the floods in Indonesia, the potential war with Iran, the tragic death of Kobe Bryant, a contentious presidential election, the Taal Volcano eruption, the international quarantine due to the coronavirus, but this Taco Bell thing is the last straw.”

Christian Mitchell, an Eleanor Roosevelt College freshman, commented on Thomas’s remarks.

“I don’t really know what all those other things Esther just talked about are, but I still really like Nacho Fries,” Mitchell said.

San Diego-based priest Rob Girgich from First Life Baptist Church spoke on the effect of Taco Bell’s announcement on locals. 

“Our service attendance is dwindling. This Taco Bell thing is just causing people to lose faith. We are loyal and patient people, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have our limits,” Girgich said. “Taco Bell giveth, and Taco Bell taketh away.”

Father Girgich then threw his hands in the air, looked up at the sky, and yelled, “Why? Why do we have to be tested like this?” 

In 2005, the American public had a similar response to McDonald’s discontinuation of the McRib. Churches experienced a 64 percent dip in attendance with one church goer quoted saying, “Wafers and wine just don’t taste as good when you know you can’t have a McRib afterwards.”

The discontinuation of the McRib had massive pushback from the entire public with many people claiming it was “the most influential event of 2005.”

While 2005 was a tumultuous year for the world because of events like Hurricane Katrina, the London bombings, some of the deadliest tornados on record, and the bird flu pandemic, the Bush Administration appeased public complaints by making the McRib their number one priority.

In October 2005, President George W. Bush declared a National State of Emergency over the McRib. The crisis ended when McDonalds agreed to serve the dish seasonally.

Although the Trump administration has made no formal announcements, rumors have been circulating that Donald Trump may follow in Bush’s footsteps regarding the Nacho Fries, and that a National State of Emergency on the matter is imminent.

UCSD Psychology Professor, Sophea Te, conducted a poll regarding public opinion on the discontinuation. According to the poll, 72 percent of Americans oppose the discontinuation of Nacho Fries, 24 percent of Americans can see themselves ordering other items from Taco Bell, and 4 percent of people do not care because they currently cannot leave their houses to go get Taco Bell.

Te conducted this poll as part of her research regarding the correlation between socioeconomics and Nacho Fry opinions.

“My team’s findings are really quite extraordinary,” Te said. “According to our research, the socioeconomic status of a person determines how deeply they care about trivial events in times of crisis like these. To put it simply, the Earth was already on fire before Taco Bell’s announcement. If you can’t see that, you grew up a privileged bitch.”

Scott Keeler, a Taco Bell employee and recent UCSD graduate, spoke to the Guardian about his opinion about the contentious menu change.

“I am 26 years old, and I’m a graduate student in cognitive science,” Keeler said. “The economy is so bad right now, so the job I had lined up at Microsoft after graduation fell through. I have $100,000 in student debt and no way to pay it, so now I’m working at a f*cking Taco Bell. So, frankly, I don’t give a shit about your Nacho Fries.”

Representatives from Taco Bell did not respond to numerous requests for comment on the discontinuation of Nacho Fries.

Photo courtesy of Taco Bell.