DISREGUARDIAN: News Editor’s Life in Shambles; Publishes Hit Piece on Self


Jacob Sutherland

UCSD Guardian News Editor Jacob Sutherland has allegedly had one too many mental breakdowns, according to Sutherland himself. This news comes after having spent two-and-a-half years too long at UC S– D—-.

Sutherland, a Thurgood Marshall senior who has served as the News Editor of the UCSD Guardian since Spring Quarter 2019, has had a college career that several sources close to the editor would describe as “tumultuous at best.”

The source of Sutherland’s demise began before he ever stepped foot on campus, when he allegedly began and ended an online relationship over summer 2017 with his first-year roommate Jupiter Demono. According to Marcus Chan, Sutherland’s second-year roommate, Sutherland and Demono did not speak for the entirety of the year aside from a drunken one night stand. However, that was not the end of their relationship.

“I know that I’m one of his closest friends, but off the record, Jacob is a stupid bitch,” Chan said. “I was so happy after that first year was over because I thought it was the end of the whole Jupiter saga, but at that point in time I could never even imagine how much more wild things would become.”

According to Chan, Sutherland and Demono would eventually begin communicating throughout their second year of school, with Sutherland allegedly giving Demono large sums of money after he got into legal trouble during summer 2019. Chan said that Sutherland even suggested that the two elope in Las Vegas to solve the problem, although no such thing ended up happening.

“Jacob has told me that he has since ceased all communications with Jupiter,” Chan said. “But even with the entire world on a coronavirus lockdown right now, it wouldn’t surprise me if the two somehow started up drama again.”

Sutherland has not had his problems limited to the realm of personal relationships. Allegedly, the news editor holds certain controversial views.

According to Geena Roberts, a Sixth College senior who serves as the Opinion Editor for the Guardian and allegedly is Sutherland’s “work husband,” Sutherland’s controversies are not too hard to find.

“Jacob writes a column for the Opinion section called ‘PC Princess,’ where he promotes a social justice framework for nuanced issues,” Roberts said. “That in and of itself is not a problem. However, what is controversial is the fact that Jacob stans problematic right wing figures like Meghan McCain, Trisha Paytas, and Azealia Banks.”

Sutherland is no stranger to criticism like this. Growing up gay in a predominantly conservative part of the country, Sutherland experienced a lot of hate for his lifestyle, which some argue contributed to his inability to make accurate life choices.

Patricia Sutherland, the news editor’s mother, agrees with this notion to an extent.

“It would make a lot of sense that any hate he may have experienced in high school could have contributed to his strange college choices,” Mrs. Sutherland said. “However, I would take whatever he may have told you about his childhood with a grain of salt. He likes to exaggerate a lot of his life story, and he by no means had a rough childhood, even growing up in the closet.”

Sutherland recently moved back to his hometown due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Mrs. Sutherland told the Guardian that he has already begun to dive even further off of the deep end since returning.

“Not even two days into quarantine, Jacob told me that he wanted to become a stripper to ‘make them dolla dolla bills,’” Mrs. Sutherland said. “It’s moments like these where I have to look myself in the mirror and ask ‘Where did I go wrong as a mother?’”

The news editor agreed to sit down with himself to address some of the allegations brought forth by his peers.

“Would I describe myself as a problematic public figure? Most definitely,” Sutherland said. “However, I do want to push back on the notion that I am a bad person. Was it wrong for me to continually engage with Jupiter? Sure. Should I not be a Meghan McCain stan? You could make an argument for that. But when it comes to being a friend to the OnlyFans community, a supporter of the local and sustainable drug market, and an overall bad bitch, you would be hard pressed to find anyone who would be against those morals.”

Despite these allegations, Sutherland believes that he is still fit to serve as news editor for the Guardian.

“I believe that I am still fit to be a reporter because, at the end of the day, none of these allegations can be proven,” Sutherland affirmed. “Furthermore, we as a nation find ourselves in an era of fake news, so it’s important to check the validity of your sources. Given that you are interviewing me for an issue of the ‘Disreguardian,” all I have left to say is: ‘Happy April Fools.’”

Sutherland will continue to serve as news editor for the Guardian for the remainder of the current academic year. Likewise, he encourages you to subscribe to his instagram at @jacobsutherlandofficial.

Artwork by Angela Liang for the UCSD Guardian.