How-To Guru: Prep for the Undie Run

With classes now in full swing, it’s very easy to put our weight on the backburner — quite literally. Studying, partying and eating late into the night are necessary and significant parts of the college experience. Don’t feel guilty that you’re prioritizing these duties over Weight Watchers. By now, it’s probably second nature to eat a potato chip each time you turn a page in your biology textbook. As a result of your surging caloric intake, you may resemble Violet Beauregarde from “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” when she expanded into a giant blueberry, sans blue skin. But as the quarter continues, you’ll begin to anticipate the upcoming Undie Run and other naked shenanigans. For these affairs, it’s important to be in shipshape.

With this handy-dandy guide, we’ll teach you how to wrestle your body into perfect condition, with ripped muscles, bulging biceps and a visible reduction in flab. The first step is to go on the Naked Juice diet. For breakfast, lunch and dinner, you will simply drink Naked Juice. Each bottle contains protein and 50 grams of natural sugars, which will speedily convert into insta-muscles.

The next step is to found a new club at UCSD that will revolutionize college fitness based on unconscious endurance exercises. The “study” treadmills at Geisel Library are a similar example to this. It’s a lot like studying and exercising at the same time, except you sleep while you move. 

Learning to develop interesting sleep habits, such as Restless Legs Syndrome, will be an important technique for losing weight while exerting as little effort as possible. And as for those Debbie Downers who say they can only choose three when it comes to grades, work, exercise, social life and sleep — you’ve got a leg up on them.

If sleepercise just isn’t your thing, you can also try a variety of yoga fire-breathing techniques. The exercises do not involve any physical movement but will allow you to hyper-focus your breathing in order to burn off calories at turbo-speed. Take a deep breath and then calmly breathe out. Then sigh. Repeat. And sigh.

Ah, that feels better doesn’t it? The final step in your weight-loss process is to never, ever step on a scale again. Do your suitemates have a weight scale? Throw it out. They will thank you later. These so-called “weight scales” do nothing beneficial for your self-esteem, which is absolutely key to lowering your overall body mass index. Confidence is crucial. Believing is seeing. Look in the mirror and announce to yourself, “I am a sexy, mother-flipping beast!” Then repeat that 10 times, with each successive chant in a slightly lower register of your voice. When you finish, your voice should be at a deep growl. Marvel as you ascend into your buffest form.

On Family Weekend, your folks may make some kind of vague commentary on your appearance by saying something like, “What happened to you?” Flash your brightest smile and don’t bother responding to their jealous remarks. Your family will be long gone when the Undie Run begins, so take off and don’t look back.